2018

WAITING

Written 25th October 2018

That sinking feeling in my chest

As I wait for the words that never come

Tightening my throat

Choking my lungs

Making me regret existing

I feel myself break more than once

Twice

A never-ending multitude

My skin starts to burn

My eyes start to blur

And I wish I were dead

Embarrassment flushes me

As I wish to melt away

Into the crack on the floor

Away from the cruelty

Waiting is the truest hell

When your heart is on the line

THE LINE

Written 25th October 2018

I wait for that line

To determine my fate

My future

My life flashing before my eyes

I feel as if I am finally closing in

On that image I've always dreamed of

The big house

Every room filled to the brim

The noise

Every song and rhyme drawing me in

The relentless bickering of tiny mouths

A dog or two to lap at our toes

After a while, it all starts to dawn

Endless bills and fights

The pretend smiles, offered only on occasion, when others are looking our way

The "Everything's fine, it's all well"

Followed inevitably with the "I'm done"

The doors slamming

The children crying

The dogs barking

The divorce papers in the mail

And then the 2 minutes is up

And there's still no line

And I never know

Just how I feel

When it doesn't appear

THE V WORD

Written 29th October 2018

That six lettered dirty V word haunts me
With its 2 vowels and 4 consonants
It shadows my every feeling
All my interaction
It bellows from above
I can hear the whispers
See the pointing
Feel the staring
I wish a black hole would devour my existence
Is that her? Is she the one? Is it that girl?
The questions echo, no matter how low they're voiced
The fake smiles follow me
As do the eyes of pity
It's like the word is engraved in my flesh
It fills me with insecurity
Pulls every inch of anxiety to the surface
I didn't ask for this
I didn't want this burden to carry
The looks on their faces confirm my answer
It's all they'll ever see
Victim
Forever I am branded

BURN

Written 31st October 2018

Your name
One search
Three words brings you up
I have to add the country too
Boy, is your name popular
I feel sorry for the parents
Unknowingly naming their child after you
A sickening beast
Or the people who already shared the name
Oh so unlucky
First headline turns my stomach
Your portrait to the right
You appealed your sentence
Part of me wants you to be let go
Because I need my vengeance
And our legal system offers no justice
You shattered my heart
You decapitated my soul
You extinguished all light from pre-pubescent me
I just want to hurt you
Let's make you burn, Byrne

PING

Written 1st November 2018

One unread message
My phone pings
A message from you
I feel my heart race rapidly
The colour floods to my cheeks
The anxiety overtakes me
There's butterflies in my stomach
And a rush of lust in my limbs
With every character, I long for you
With every wait, I miss you
When my phone goes silent, My mind begins to scream
I can't tell just how you feel
It's pulling at my seams
I doubt you feel this way
As I'm intoxicated by you
It's almost an addiction
I need to go cold turkey
Before it becomes my final affliction

EMPTY

Written 2nd November 2018

Poem from A Flower Reborn

It feels weird
No longer being in your shadow
With the sun hitting my face harshly
And the wind blowing me over
I always thought I could be independent
That I'd be this confident energy when I was out of your shade
That nothing, nothing, could stop me being me
But now I seem to have lost part of me
I feel hollow
Empty
Alone
Even when I'm surrounded by people
Because none of them are you
And they never will be

TOXIC

Written 3rd November 2018

If only you saw me for me
You’d know I don’t really exist
Not this shell
Not these lies
Not the personality I force
Internally scarred
Prematurely dying
A diluted delight in small doses
Utterly toxic if taken in a large quantity
I’m an unstable solution
Use at your own risk
I won’t intentionally hurt you
But I hold no guarantees

COUNSELLING

Written 4th November 2018

A poem from A  Flower Reborn

Crying
A knot in my throat
My past on a platter
My dreams on ice
Feelings and emotions
Spouting from my lips with a lack of control
A progressive silence
An understanding nod
An urge to continue
But no words forming
Is this even helping?
Do I even care?
A look on our calendars
An agreed date
I’ll be back once more
To unburden my load
One more counselling session
Can’t hurt

ANGEL

Written 5th November 2018

There’s a spot in my heart that will never heal
An ache and a pain that will never end
In losing you, I lost a world on possibilities
I lost my future best friend
For years I have grieved
As has our mother
Through the tears that will never stop
For eternity I will wish it was all different
That your place in life had not stopped
The younger brothers were too young to notice
The empty space in our lives we had to bear
And the oldest never knew how to say it
But if you looked in his face it was there
Even daddy misses his baby
With all the love he can spare
Though I may never have known you
I will love you for always more
Sister, please wait for me
We will one day be together
Forever just once and more

FORGOTTEN

Written 6th November 2018

Intertwined as one
Your hand caressing my thigh
Little tingles electrifying my skin
Your lips mere centimetres away
I inch closer
Just one touch
Fireworks everywhere
As I pull away you adjust your frame
Holding me in place
You tuck my hair behind my ear
A smile across your face
Leaning into me you take control
Placing your lips on mine
My body urges me nearer
Never wanting to end this time
If only we could stay curled forever
Not needing to move from here
Your arms enclosed around me
Holding me so dear
Your presence leaves me racing
I want you by my side
I think I’ve learnt what love is
From our forgotten times

YOU

Written 7th November 2018

A poem from A Flower Reborn

Leaving you
Fills me with ache
With pain
With longing
Withdrawal wearing me thin
My mind a scratching record
Skipping to thoughts of you
I feel myself shutting down
My imagination flickers
My heart hibernates
My breath halts
Until I’m by your side
Your hand in mine
I’m alive again

INEVITABILITY

Written 8th November 2018

I turn to face my demise
And I yell “Fuck you”
“I’m not ready”
“I’m too young”
“Take someone else”
But the thing about the reaper’s scythe is
Once it’s decided
That fate does not change
And you are it

THE FINAL STEP

Written 9th November 2018

I find myself on the edge every day
Waves crashing against the rocks
Drawing me closer
Calling my name
Sweet-talking my demise
Head overwhelmed by screams and pleas
“It’s just one step”
“Just a leap”
“Just a jump”
Urged nearer
Foot dangling into oblivion
One last push is all I need
A knock
A hard breeze
I exhale hard
Bracing myself for the fall I know is coming
You tap my shoulder
Pull me close
Promise me it’s all okay
That I’ll be fine
Before you push me off
My feet unable to control it
Until I fall completely into the abyss below me

MEMORY

Written 10th November 2018

A poem from A Flower Reborn

I’m forgetting
How it feels to have you close
To my side always attached to my hip
Your words delicately spoken
To me and me alone
The world did not need to hear your secrets
The truth only we knew
I feel as if the real me is fading
Replaced with a being that barely exists without you
Every day I feel paler, softer, lighter
Closer to the point
Where I do not exist
But am the faint memory
For the cycle to start again
For someone else to bear

I LOVE YOU

Written 11th November 2018

It sends a shiver down my spine
Hearing you speak those words
The warmth creeping to my heart
I just want to hear it all over
Again
Again
Again
Until I finally die
Of gluttony

UNTITLED

Written 12th November 2018

I want to feel bound by you
Intertwined
Connected through pure emotion
Unadulterated passion
Your flesh melting into my own
Your fangs tearing at my neck
As your claws dig deeply into my thighs
A rush of euphoria bursting in
Your lips move to caress my breast
As your fingers make me light work
I can’t hold back
All muscles completely in your control
Just waiting for the command
The permission it craves
Before it can truly give in
Submitting to your every will
Dominate me
Until neither of us can walk

DEPRESSION

Written 13th November 2018

Severe depression
Is like waiting for the rain to start
In the calm before the storm
One second
Perfectly fine
The next
Drowning in a sea of self-loathing and darkness
Pushed down further by the doubt and the guilt and the pain
No chance to break the surface
Waiting
Hoping
For that moment of shimmering light to crash through
Wishing on the rainbow that may never come

PARTS

Written 14th November 2018

Part of me wants to die
Whilst the other wants to survive
Is it pessimistic of me
Or sadistically euphoric
To think
To wonder
To wish
That both paths lead to the same outcome?

DEATH

Written 15th November 2018

I’m losing the fight
The battle
The war
The voices taking over
Collapsing my barricades
Demolishing everything in its path
Be it happiness
Or be it love
Vultures circle the last of my hope
Picking away at every loose morsel
Before I finally give in
The only thing left is death

IN YOUR ARMS

Written 15th November 2018

When I’m in your arms
I’m safe
I’m secure
I’m protected
When I’m in your arms
All the bad things fade
Time rushes by
But I enjoy every millisecond
Spent inhaling you
When I’m in your arms
I remember just what keeps me going
What keeps me ticking
What keeps me living
When I’m in your arms
I remember that all I want
And all I need
To survive the twisted darkness
Is you

TELL ME

Written 15th November 2018

Tell me you love me

So I can sleep

Without those words

I feel hollow

Bare

My mind starts to race

Paranoia taking over

Please sat those words

So I can rest

And be happy in thought tonight

NAKED

Written 17th November 2018

I feel naked
Revealing myself to you
As if you’re judging
Every fault
Every mark
Every flaw
On full display
I feel bare to the world
And for once
I am not hiding
I am not embarrassed
I am just me

ADDICTED

Written 18th November 2018

I am so addicted
Even an hour without you
Shakes me up
I feel feverish
Waiting for your next words
Longing for the ‘I love you’s
That keep me going

CRUELTY

Written 19th November 2018

My brain is cruel
It won’t let me forget
You never picked me
No matter how many times
I offered fruitfully
My heart still beats
Aches
Curses
Hoping one day you’ll be mine

HEARTS

Written 20th November 2018

I’ve collected hearts
For ever so long
I don’t know how to stop
I feel like a succubus
Constantly starving
Waiting for my next feast
I don’t know if I will ever
Be able to satisfy the lust
That claws in my chest
Trying to escape

LOVE

Written 21st November 2018

I love you
The words splutter from my mouth forcefully
So fierce they could knock you flying
After all this time, my heart still races
Trapezes
Catapults
Explodes
Just hearing your voice
Reading your messages
Looking into your enticing eyes
Feeling you next to me
Is my utter perfection

UNTITLED

Written 22nd November 2018

That sinking feeling in my chest
As I wait for the words that never come
Tightening my throat
Choking my lungs
Making me regret existing
I feel myself break more than once
Twice
A never-ending multitude
My skin starts to burn
My eyes start to blur
And I wish I were dead
Embarrassment flushes me
As I wish to melt away
Into the crack on the floor
Away from the cruelty
Waiting is the truest hell
When your heart is on the line

DUE

Written 23rd November 2018

My death is due
My end near
Today
Tomorrow
A few months from now
Maybe even years
My death is already written
I’m just waiting for it to play out
For all the pieces to align
To fall into place
I’m ready
Waiting
With my emotional luggage
Already packed to the brim
Lingering around
For that next journey to begin

HESITATION

Written 24th November 2018

I hesitate
The words already formed on my tongue
Demanding an escape
If I tell you now
I cannot take it back
It will be out
In the air
The world
The atmosphere
If I tell you now
I can never shy away
You will always know
You will always remember
When I gave in
If I tell you now
I’ll be powerless
You will have all control
I sigh internally
Forever frustrated with my own indecisiveness
I take a deep breath
The words still aching to be free
‘I love you’
There
It is out
And now it will never be secret again
Even if I long for it to be

RUNNING

Written 25th November 2018

There are times
Moments
Seconds
When all I want is to disappear
To leave
To run
No promise of return
To be free with my thoughts
Alone with my depression
No accelerators with applied pressure
Mowing me down at every turn
No conductors to fuel the disaster
Torching my very being
But if running were so simple
So easy
Why am I still here?

WORDS

Written 27th November 2018

Words come to me
At the strangest times
Just a spark
Just a flicker
Words come to me from all directions
Wanting to escape
Yet rarely
These thoughts
These sentences
Meet paper and pen
Because the flash has passed
Before I’ve had a chance
To give it any life

 
 

POETRY

2019

 

ONE

Written 3rd January 2019

Sundays in bed

Every time I inch away

You pull me close

Urging me to stay

Your arms perfectly wrap me

Enclose me

And I wish we could just keep

In this bubble of creation

For another week

TWO

Written 4th January 2019

I crave your love

More than I need air to breathe

More than I need a roof over my head

And money in my pocket

I'd give up everything

Just to hear those words once more

As you smile at me

And hold me

As I'm reminded I'm yours

THREE

Written 5th January 2019

I know that

Inevitably

Depression will be my end

Maybe not today

Tomorrow, or a decade from now

But the sharpest knives

Of the words filling my brain

Will pull me under

Until I give in

Let the thoughts take over

And end the existence I know

FOUR

Written 6th January 2019

With your body so close to mine
All I need is your lips
I need your fingertips tracing my skin
I need your hands holding mine
Just looking at you I remember why
Why I give in so easy
I love you more than I ever would have known
And it hurts knowing I can never have you
And it kills knowing just why
I wish everything was different
I wish it was all right
I just want to curl in your arms and forget the world
Even if just for one night.

FIVE

Written 7th January 2019

Written in honour of my fiance and his band

I stand in the masses
Eyes focused
As the lights drop
I search the stage
Looking for you
As you parade
Guitar in tow
My smile falters
Can you see me?
The wink and the tongue hanging out
Prove that you can
I start to glow
Just knowing that
I’m the groupie you take home
And that you are just mine
My little rockstar
Enjoying the spotlight

SIX

Written 8th January 2019

I love you

The words splutter from my mouth forcefully

So fierce they could knock you flying

After all this time, my heart still races

Trapezes

Catapults

Explodes

Just hearing your voice

Reading your messages

Looking into your enticing eyes

Feeling you next to me

Is my utter perfection

SEVEN

Written 9th January 2019

Sometimes
I wonder what my life would be
If you were not by my side
And all I see
Is a terrible darkness
An absolute blackness
An abyss waiting to suck me in
The instant you are gone
No escape
No salvation
Just complete emptiness
A neverending void
Isolated
It makes me grateful
Euphoric
To know you are still here
To keep me from what can only be
The end

EIGHT

Written 9th January 2019

Written initially for an untitled LGBT novel

I feel like

You're my dirty little secret

With all our sneaking

All our planning

Isn't it just time

To let our families know

And brace for the door's whack

Instead of lying to ourselves

About how we feel

Instead of acting like

Naughty children on the brink of

A raw punishment

If you say the words

I'll follow suit

"Mama, I'm gay"

Is all it will take

To determine our lives

As one

NINE

Written 11th January 2019

Your lips on mine
Is all I dream of
Your hands on my hips
Holding me close
Is my utter paradise
Every second I’m not with you
You’re all that’s on my mind
From innocent kisses
To lust-driven love making
Waking up next to you
Is my burning passion
Sleeping next to you
My never-ending delight

TEN

Written 12th January 2019

I want to break the silence
Wash away the stigma
Destroy the negativity
Starve the anger
Decimate the Stereotypes
Extinguish the fear
Wipe out the hatred
Break down the barriers
Smash the walls
Erase everything
Of hurt
Just so we can be us
And I can be me
While you’re being you
In this world of the free

ELEVEN

Written 13th January 2019

I curl into your arms
And in that instant
I feel everything is alright
No matter how fucked up
The world seemed before
And no matter how much worse it will get
As soon as you are holding me
I know it is all
Going to be okay

TWELVE

Written 14th January 2019

I look at you
And I see the person I want to be
Sweet and caring
Confident and proud
Loud and plucky
The person you look to
For help
For the plan
For ideas
And then I look in the mirror
And remember just how silent
My tongue can be
As soon as I’m surrounded by
More than me, myself and I
I long for a time
When anxiety won’t reduce me
To a mute
Or a blithering baboon
When I’m asked to vocalise
Even a word
But I doubt that day will come

THIRTEEN

Written 15th January 2019

There are days when I miss you
When it just won’t stop
I can’t blink away the pain
Or imagine you’re not gone
There’s an emptiness in the space you left
And I feel scared to say your name
With all the memories rushing back
Bruising my already damaged heart
I never thought I’d need to live without you
But you left me no choice
And all I can do now
Is survive

FOURTEEN

Written 16th January 2019

I sit by your feet
As you strum
A few simple notes to start
Playing until
The song forms in the vibrations
As the melody hits my ears
I blush
You learnt our song
Oh clever boy
I love you so
Just listening as you serenade me
Sends my heart a flutter
I know now
I can never let you go

FIFTEEN

Written 17th January 2019

I’ve loved you
Since the first time we spoke
There was just a way
That you made my heart tumble
Out of my chest
With your cheeky laugh
And sarcastic comments
I never knew
There was someone as cynical
As me out there
And as soon as I knew
How perfect you were
I could just never let you go

SIXTEEN

Written 18th January 2019

I told myself
Life without you
Would be the easiest way
To survive
But I need your words
I long for your glances
I beg for your skin on mine
And I know one day
You’ll break my heart
Disappearing for good
But until then
I’m a lost little puppy
Trailing everywhere you go

SEVENTEEN

Written 19th January 2019

Your lips on mine
My happy place
Bare skin
Warmed by one another’s touch
My heart racing
Against my ribcage
As you run your hand along my side
To its resting place
On my hips
You tighten your grip
Keeping me in the place
Where I belong
Underneath you
Nakedly tangled
Heavily breathing
As we make love
For the hundredth time
You push my hair out of my eyes
And whisper with your final thrust
“I love you”
And I can’t hold back
My overwhelming need
To climax with you
Once more

EIGHTEEN

Written 19th January 2019

I need you

I always need you

I tell myself

That I'm not a woman

Who needs a man

And yet

I cling to you

Like there's no tomorrow

Like without you

I've lost a limb

But I'm okay with that

Because at least

I have you

NINETEEN

Written 21st January 2019

To the people who say
Pain makes us human
Or it makes you feel alive:
Fuck you
Try to live every minute
Not knowing when the next flare up will come
Avoiding the simplest things
To allow basic movement
For the next day
Try having every muscle seize up
And fighting off spasms in public
To prevent the looks
And murmurs of ‘freak’
The complete loss of control
Of your own body
To the point all you can so is cry
Deal with being called a hypochondriac
And hold it’s all in your head
As the medical professionals do all they can
To fill you with drugs
Instead of helping find out what’s actually wrong
If pain makes us alive
Why is the only thing I long for
When it gets beyond the point of unbearable
Is death?
I wish for the days without the aches
And pray for the moments I can feel young
So I can be alive once more.

TWENTY

Written 22nd January 2019

In your arms
I’m completely safe
Cocooned from the world
Protected from my head
My paranoia can’t get me
Whilst your warm embrace
Holds me tight
My brain can’t hurt me
And life can’t scare me
While I’m all curled up into you
You keep me strong
You keep me guarded
From all the danger out there

WHAT AM I?

Written 22nd January 2019

Am I a victim of the world

Or a victim of myself

Is it my bad decisions that

Ruined my teenage years

Or the acts of others

There's moments when I feel

The blame falls on my own shoulders

I was naive

Dumb

Trusting

And yet there are others when I know

I did nothing wrong.

We live in a world

Where victims never know

Who was at fault

Because people tell us otherwise

We're not victims

We're sluts who deserved it

Because of our clothes

Or our make-up

We were drunk

So we must be to blame

For the actions of another

We led them on

By being polite or enjoying

The initial attention presented our way

We know ourselves we're not to blame

Yet it's drilled into our minds that

We must have done something

To provoke

To mislead

To engage

The monster who stamped us with the V label

Because they can't just be a monster

Just like we can't just be innocent.

TWENTY ONE

Written 22nd January 2019

My mind wanders
And there you are
Sat waiting patiently
For me
Whenever my brain has a free millisecond
You fill the space completely
I can’t help but smile
When you’re in every thought
Looking at me with those eyes
A cheeky smirk sketched across your face
It helps me through
Every moment I’m not with you

TWENTY TWO

Written 26th January 2019

Tell me you love me
For the millionth time
To keep my paranoia at bay
I fight my brain
Accusing you of lies
Cursing me for having feelings
And not being
Completely emotionless
I tell myself
My head is wrong
That I know you
And I know your heart
But please
Tell me you love me
Again

TWENTY THREE

Written 30th January 2019

There’s days when I’m waiting
Anxiously
For you to realise
I’m not worth the effort
I’m paranoid that
The thought will click
And you’ll be gone in an instant
Bags packed
Never to return
I find myself
Fighting to keep you
And inevitably pushing you further away
With every little mess
I know I test your patience
With things mainly out of my control
As much as I want you to stay
I feel that eventually
You’ll decide I’m too fucked up
For you to cope with a second longer
And that no matter how much
We need each other
Life without me
Would just be easier
I want to plead
“Please don’t go”
But I’ve practically accepted
You deserve better
And I’m just waiting
For you to realise it too
Which leaves me filled
With existential dread
For the moment you do

TWENTY FOUR

Written 31st January 2019

I could sit up all day
And sit up all night
Because sleep without you
Is thoroughly impossible
I need your arms
Encasing me
Keeping me warm
To even feel
That gradual need of rest
Without it
My mind races
Preventing the call

PTSD

Written 31st January 2019

Bad thoughts

Running through my head

Fighting the urge

To gouge my eyes out

To stop the flicker

Distracting my focus

I know you're not really here

But something in my brain

Is keeping you in place

Just to torture me

The PTSD is worsening

Because I seem to have opened a door

That had been locked for so long

Even your name sends a shiver

Deep into my soul

And haunts every second

I hope in the long run

This therapy will be worth

Opening the Pandora's box I buried

That is you

TWENTY FIVE

Written 1st February 2019

My head on your chest
And I’m home
As you caress my cheek
And pull me up for a kiss
This is all I need
To feel better
With your hand
Stroking my hair
I’m settled beyond content

TWENTY SIX

Written 2nd February 2019

My heart skips a beat
When I look into your eyes
And see the love
Reflecting back at me
Just knowing how you feel
Leaves me flustered
And makes me long
To be by your side
Until the end
Just so you can see
How I feel too

TWENTY SEVEN

Written 4th February 2019

When you’re not here
I count down the seconds
Until you return to me
And embrace my open arms
I feel lost
When you’re not by side
Centring me to the spot
And giving me a place
To truly belong

TWENTY EIGHT

Written 5th February 2019

Sometimes I find it hard to say in words
Just how I feel
About you
As if the second the words are out
You’ll doubt them
Because they exist outside of our safe bubble
I’m sorry I’ve been raised
On cruelty above kindness
And how it has ruined my perception of life
So my honest lines may be tainted
But know in your heart
All I say is true
And I have never meant it more
When I say I love you

TWENTY NINE

Written 6th February 2019

You are the best form of distraction
The type that puts a smile on my face
When nothing else seems to shake
My cold demeanour
The type that keeps my head busy
Every hour of the day
Blocking out everything bad
The type that makes me ache
To be physically with you
So you can distract me in person
Some more

THIRTY

Written 7th February 2019

I think I’ve found the perfect man
Someone to curl up with to a film
To stroke my hair when I need comfort
To kiss me sweetly before he leaves my side
To tell me he loves me
When I need those words the most
To sweet talk me and tease me
All in the same sentence
It just so happen
That my perfect man
Is you

THIRTY ONE

Written 8th February 2019

Just let depression take me for a moment
It’ll be okay
He’s an old friend
Who I’ve danced with
For longer than I’d like
But as much as we step on each other’s toes
We both know
It’s not time to leave just yet
We’ll sway some more
Enjoying the dying atmosphere
Huddled close
Murmured whispers between
As the evening and crowd wear thin
Until the final song plays
The last notes echoing in the air
As the band pack away their instruments
And the caterers clean hard
We’ll applaud the good show
The other put on
For so long
Praising the final charade
And then we’ll go
Arm in arm
Wherever the wind blows

THIRTY TWO

Written 9th February 2019

Written initially for an untitled LGBT novel

I wish our love didn’t feel
Like a crime
That we didn’t have to sneak
Through utter darkness
Just to be together
That we could go out
And be public
Not hidden in the shadows
There is nothing wrong
With loving you
But the guilt is overwhelming
Love is love
Not an offence
Even if it may hurt
The people we care for

THIRTY THREE

Written 10th February

2019

Loving you
Came as naturally
As the sun rise
It just grew until it filled
My entire horizon brightly
And now I can’t imagine
A moment without you
Filling my world up
And pushing the darkness
To the shadows

THIRTY FOUR

Written 12th February

2019

Written initially for an untitled LGBT novel

I count down the days
Til I need to give you up
Until this love affair ends
Til you leave me for good
It could still be months
It could even be years
But my heart is constantly waiting
For you to break it
Because every ounce of me knows
Our ending is inevitable

THIRTY FIVE

Written 13th February

2019

My paranoia thrives
As every moment with you
Is tainted
Every stolen kiss
Every loving glance
I wish it would stop
Tarnishing every second of happiness
I have ever enjoyed
But the cruelest thing about depression
Is it devours everything in its path
To make sure it conquers
Every element of you
That stands in its way
In the end

THIRTY SIX

Written 14th February

2019

I tell myself
I’m not the romantic type
And then I look at you
And all I want to do
Is spoil you rotten
And care for you
Every second of the day
Not wasting a moment at hand
With any other fuss
I never knew
I could love someone
So passionately
So wholly
So completely
But this Valentine’s day
Let me say
I love you so deeply
In every single way

THIRTY SEVEN

Written 15th February

2019

If there was any way to free myself of this pain
I would take it
The physical and emotional turmoil
Isn’t quote my cup of tea
I feel like everything is out to get me
My body
My mind
My life
Because nothing ever flows right
I’m always being pushed further down the rapids
Without any chance of salvation
And it’s tempting to just see
If a great sharp rock
Could just end this for me
For once and for all
Before the waterfall does it for them

THIRTY EIGHT

Written 16th February

2019

There is no one else
Who could fill the void
That you would leave
If we ended this now
I could try
And would repeatedly
Indisputably fail
As there is no one
That will ever fill my heart
As much as you do

THIRTY NINE

Written 18th February

2019

I’m needy
To the point I ache for
Constant idolation
Attention
Activity
I can’t sit still without you near
My brain leaves my body
And I draw a blank
Until I’m once again by you

FORTY

Written 19th February

2019

You always leave
A massive grin on my face
When I need it most
You’re my rock
My protector
The perfect counterweight I need
To my train wreck of a life
Even when the end seems nigh
And I’m out if balance
You keep me in my place
You keep me all right
No matter what bad times come
I know you’re always there
Making sure I survive
For another year

FORTY ONE

Written 20th February

2019

The blade along my inner arm
Tingles
It’s been so long
Since I felt the urge
To plunge metal into my flesh
My brain is urging me to stop
And think
While my hands are acting on their own
The tip of the blade tracing old lines
I can’t control it
Not anymore
I look at the pretty art
I’ve had decorated on my skin
As my brain begs
Pleads
Grasping at straws
Trying to pull me out of this pit
I’ve sunken into with all my weight
A moment of rationality
And my phone is ringing
The person I always call when
I’m close to the edge
When I’m about to do something dumb
I hit speaker phone
Not even attempting to hide the tears
“Mum, I need help. Please come,”
I cry
I know she’ll be here as soon as she can
“I’m on my way,”
I hear as the call cuts out
I throw the blade to the corner of the room
Hoping she’ll be there
Before I get the nerve
To get the blade once more
I curl up in a ball and wait
For that knock on my door
To tell me it’s all okay now
And that I’m safe
From my own self again

FORTY TWO

Written 21st February

2019

I lick my lips
Missing the taste
Of yours on mine
I squeeze myself tight
Remembering just how your arms feel
Pressing me against you
I think of your voice
Whenever I’m lonely in the silence
To remind me I’m not alone
I caress my bare skin
Just waiting for your warmth to tingle
The icicles that are my flesh
I smile to myself
Just remembering how you react
Whenever I press myself close and whisper
And the cycle repeats
Until you can do all those things
Again

FORTY THREE

Written 22nd February

2019

How do you feel knowing
You have complete control
Over my very being
A little whisper
And I’m all yours
Do with me what you will
And never let go

FORTY FOUR

Written 24th February

2019

I wish I could make all the pain
Go away
You deserve so much better
Than this mess we live in
And I would do anything
To keep you happy
The world is toxic
But I would do everything
To keep you safe
I wish there were a cure
To the depressive cycle we live
But there is no such thing
At least I know
If I ever need it
That you’re here for me
So please just know
I’m here for you too

FORTY FIVE

Written 25th February

2019

There are days
I wish the pain would end
So much so
I see my own death on a loop
But I know
I have to keep fighting
I need to stay here
For you
No matter how much I need to be free
Of the mortal cool I’m noosed with
I promised I wouldn’t leave
Until the grim reaper took my hand
In its own
So I need to wait
Either til you abandon me
Or until that day comes

FORTY SIX

Written 27th February

2019

I have lived a life without you
And I would happily
Never in my existence
Live that life again
The loneliness unbearable
The love lingering
Causing an eternal ache
As my heart turns brittle
Cracked
Useless
Until you pump life into it again

 

FORTY SEVEN

Written 2nd March 2019

Loving me
Has got to be
The hardest task
In the world
I’m falling apart physically
I’m completely broken mentally
Yet you stick around
Treating me like a princess
Whilst I act the fool
I cannot list a part of me
That works like it normally should
Yet you stay by me
Caring for me
As if it’s the easiest thing to do
I fear one day you’ll live without me
But I know I won’t live without you

FORTY EIGHT

Written 3rd March 2019

I love you
But it’s okay
If you don’t love me
I would rather have
Blunt honesty
Than lies repeated softly
I care and will always care
No matter where you are
Because you were the first person
To steal my heart
And that I’ll always hold dear

FORTY NINE

Written 4th March 2019

I wish
I lived in a world
Without paranoia
Eating and overindulging
On every fleeting thought
So my brain thinks
“He doesn’t love me”
For a millisecond
There is slight doubt
And the paranoia feasts
And devours that minute opinion
Until it is repeated
A few hundred thousand times
To the point the repetitive
Has become fact in my mind
Not fiction
And now I don’t know
If it’s real
Or if my insanity is taking
Full control

FIFTY

Written 5th March 2019

There’s days I dream of suicide
And the only thing keeping me
From cutting down the river
Instead of along the stream
Is knowing you won’t keep going
Without me
I selfishly
Need you to keep living
Even if it means
I can’t kill myself

FIFTY ONE

Written 6th March 2019

I get withdrawals
And start to need you close
After a couple of hours without you
That’s when I miss you most
When I can still remember
The tingling of your fingertips
Your breath upon my neck
And the sweet taste of your lips
Come get back by me
I need you here
Keeping me warm
And holding me near

FIFTY TWO

Written 9th March 2019

I know you love me
I’ve seen the way you smile
When I glance your way
And I know how you pull me tight
Not wanting to let go
I just love being reminded
A few million times
So I know it is not a dream
And this is real
Since you know
How much I love you too

FIFTY THREE

Written 14th March 2019

I wish I could lay on you
All day long
Inhaling your sweet smell
I’m like a cat with catnip
I just want to bask in it
When I need to feel you close to me
And remember I am yours

FIFTY FOUR

Written 15th March 2019

You’ve made the first move
Since day 1
I’ve mimicked every movement
Hoping they’ll lead
To somewhere worthwhile
And from that first kiss
Our adventure together
Has led me to just one conclusion
You’re the only future I need

FIFTY FIVE

Written 16th March 2019

I could write you
A million poems
For a million days
The words may change
But the feelings never will
Because, baby, all that matters
Is how much I love you

FIFTY SIX

Written 17th March 2019

If I could
I’d never leave your side
I’d stay by you
Until you were sick of my company
As I never want you
To feel as alone
As I do when you’re not near

FIFTY SEVEN

Written 18th March 2019

Sometimes I feel
Loving you is like an addiction
I can’t get enough
No matter how much I take
I’m always aching for a fix
And it feels like
Complete ecstasy
Eternal bliss
When I get it
But a few hours later I’m fixing for more
And if I can’t have it
Right there, right then
I’m going cold turkey til I get some
I could wean myself off
Bite my lips til they’re bloody
Go stone cold sober
No exceptions
But then the cold harsh reality
Will burst the bubble
Of the happiness I have
When I’m with you

FIFTY EIGHT

Written 28th March 2019

I have severe depression
And sometimes it means
I want to slam my head
Against the wall;
Or I want to scream until
My lips are blue;
Or I want toxic comments
Sludging from my mouth
Ruining others
Like my brain has ruined me;
Or I want to overindulge
In life’s little things
Because my money is just
1s and 0s on a screen;
It means sometimes
I want to open my wrists
And watch the streams trickle
Until they run no more;
It also means
There’s days I just want to cry
And blame the world for it all;
All I know about my depression is
No day is exactly the same
There are times when I want love and support
And there are days when I want to be left alone completely to the point I doubt my existence.
There are days when the medication works
And days when I wish I could just pop them all and be ok
But all that matters is
I know I’m not alone when I need help
I know I’m not abandoned when I want love
And I know I’m always going to be given a reason

 

FIFTY NINE

Written 6th April 2019

I perch my head

Delicately on your chest

Listening to the rhythm

It beats

Just for me

The thunder it causes

As I kiss you lightly

The racing that comes

Before I say those three words

And then as I whisper

I love you

Exploding inside

SIXTY

Written 18th April 2019

Sometimes

I wonder what my life would be

If you were not by my side

And all I see

Is a terrible darkness

An absolute blackness

An abyss waiting to suck me in

The instant you are gone

No escape

No salvation

Just complete emptiness

A neverending void

Isolated

It makes me grateful

Euphoric

To know you are still here

To keep me from what can only be

The end

SIXTY ONE

Written 24th April 2019

We're two meteors colliding in the sky

Our collison may be

Hot and fiery

But we break beyond repair

Permanently fragmented

Only to plummet and destroy

All that is left in our wake

 

SIXTY TWO

Written 2nd May 2019

Devil take me

To a better place

Somewhere more worthy

Of being called home

SIXTY THREE

Written 11th May 2019

I want to help

But can't

My own brain is wrecked

With pain, with sorrow

I can't focus on anything

Or anyone else

But if I could

I just wish

I could take your pain away

Even if it meant

Piling on my own

But at this point

I'm buried

Down too deep

To help anyone

At all

SIXTY FOUR

Written 21st May 2019

You're cancerous

In the way that I remove you

But you come back fighting

Mutated

No matter how many times

I cut my feelings for you away

They'll return with more energy than I can fathom

To the point I'm so run down

From the constant fight

That I give in

And just let myself fall deep again

 

SIXTY FIVE

Written 7th June 2019

I get jealous

And I feel the urge

To withhold my love

My affection

Because though you have done nothing

In my head

It is all your fault

This anger

This loathing, including the self variety

Because stupidly

I let you steal my heart

SIXTY SIX

Written 21st June 2019

I'm struggling to write

Because the voices in my head

Can only see one ending

And that seems to be me

With a very nice knot

Pressed deeply into my neck

With a buckled stool below me

And a purple face left permanently gasping

SIXTY SEVEN

Written 29th June 2019

Into the bad place

I dissolve

Only the words

Resonate

Physically safe

Emotionally turmoiled

 

SIXTY EIGHT

Written 6th July 2019

I tell you I love you

And have told you for so long

I wonder if it ever truly stopped

As much as I tried to convince

Every nerve in my brain that

I had moved on

Maybe if I hadn't

Disappeared every time things got rough

It would all be different

And we could actually be

As happy as we make each other

For more than a few hours

At every stolen moment

SIXTY NINE

Written 18th July 2019

Depression

Is hungry

Its appetite

Practically insatiable

Devouring every minute insecurity

Consuming every second of doubt

Indulging in every trauma or

Embarrassment

It remains unsatisfied

Until only bones are left

SEVENTY

Written 24th July 2019

I try to fathom

The best words to sum up

All the anguish

All the torment

Engulfing my insides

Lonely doesn't cover it

Depressed is an understatement

Suicidal brands me as a risk

Which I'm not

Not currently

"I guess I'm just low"

I mumble

Hoping the doctor stops asking

That stupid question

For once

 

SEVENTY ONE

Written 12th August 2019

Sometimes writing
Drains every morsel
Out of my very being
But the word needs to be out
And flying free
To keep me sane
Just enough to cope

SEVENTY TWO

Written 17th August 2019

"I'm fine"

The lies splutter from my lips

Fine isn't something

I ever remember feeling

"I'm okay"

I smile fraudulently

Pretending my world isn't collapsing

Crumbling before my eyes

"I'll live"

The phrase echoing

While my head whispers

"Maybe not this time"

SEVENTY THREE

Written 25th August 2019

Wake up

Take a pill

To fix my broken head.

Eat

Take a pill

To ease my inflamed organs.

Move and function normally

Take a pill

To stop the ache in my decrepit muscles.

Try to sleep

Fail

Take a pill

Repeat tomorrow.

 

SEVENTY FOUR

Written 6th September 2019

Help me forget

Because this level of happiness

Was so explicably not meant

For my consumption

And withdrawal feels like

My heart being shattered

Once more

SEVENTY FIVE

Written 18th September 2019

I want your name

Etched on my skin

Scratched down to the bone

So I always remember the pain

I wilfully accepted

When I am nothing but a memory

To you

SEVENTY SIX

Written 24th September 2019

I fought the urge

For a decade

But now my palms are itchy

My mind is demanding

My skin is begging

For the first time

In what feels like too long

I gave in

And I let the cold slip of metal

Draw on my skin

Until it started to ache

Like the rest of me

 

SEVENTY SEVEN

Written 2nd October 2019

One little cut

That's all it took

To get me remembering

How this is all

I will ever be able

To control

Nothing else

Nothing more

Just this physical act

I commit on myself

SEVENTY EIGHT

Written 12th October 2019

Another year older

Another year hungrier

My lust for you

Insatiable

I'm addicted

Beyond repair

And for this addiction

I want no fix

SEVENTY NINE

Written 22nd November 2019

I wish

For a second

We could live

In the dreams

To be happy

To be free

To be each other's

To just be you and me

But then I remember

That fate isn't kind

And our seconds

Fleeting by

Beyond our control

Out of sight

Out of mind

The spell broken

By the smallest of cries

As you leave me to sing

Rockabye

EIGHTY

Written 30th November 2019

Fighting my thoughts

I try to pretend

Just for a day

I'm fine

Even if

All I want

Is to curl up

A vodka in my hand

With the world

Set alight around me

EIGHTY ONE

Written 14th December 2019

You are

The reason I wake

The reason I breathe

The reason I remain

The reason I need

You are

The smile on my lips

The twinkle in my eye

You are

The beating of my heart

As you're nearby

You are

The only thing I ever think

No matter the day or time

You are

The love songs that stick in my head

The sweetness of their rhyme

You are 

The reason I'm not scared

Of ever being alone

Because I know no matter what

You are always my home

You are

The person I love so dear

And hold so close and true

You my amazing love

Are all I need

Honestly, just you

EIGHTY TWO

Written 31st December 2019

Next year

Will be better

I lie to myself

Waiting

As the seconds tick by

Until it's end

 
 
 

2020

1st January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

To all the men 

Who've hurt me

I may forgive

But I do not forget

Your actions deeply cut

Into the skin and bones

I wear

But each day I breathe

I remember

I would hold no strength

Without you.

Without your lingering gazes

And wandering hands

Even to the utterance of 'No'

I would not know

I can stand up

For myself

Kicking and screaming

If I need to.

Without the heartbreak

And tears you left

I would not know

That though it hurts

And it feels like dying

I can live on alone.

Without your lies

And broken promises

I would not know

That not everyone

Is worth the trust

I give.

Without your critique

The scarring words

And judgemental tones

I would not know

How easy it can be

To just carry on

Even through the fight of

How sexist this world

Will always be.

Now I know

Just how to survive

In a world still run by men

So thank you daddy

My abusers

My so-called friends

Because I still live

And I will never

Forget.

3rd January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

Those four letters

Could change the world

If more people

Accepted it

With open arms

And welcoming hearts

Instead of

Publicly degrading

Abusing

Hurting

People who see it

Differently in their own way

Why should they

Be punished

For things out of 

Their ability to control

Just because

You can't stand it

When their love takes

A different direction

To your own?

Love is love.

No matter what.

4th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

My heart races

From the second

You're by my side

To the moment

You leave

Where it remains

Stagnant

Until you return

Once more

5th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

Can we go

Back to when

The love was still felt

Pouring out of

Every pore

And breath?

Instead of the

Arguments

The fights

The jealousy

The bitterness

That came with

Growing older?

Let's go back

To before the doubt

And before the aches

To the place

Where we agreed

That this is what

We lived for

And planned to live for

Forever

As I do not wish

To lose you

Just yet

6th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

Complicated

Doesn't quite sum up

Everything ongoing

Through my life

And racing through

My mind

I wish it were all

As simple

As my feelings

For you

7th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

All I've asked for

All I've hoped

Is for you

To accept

Just who I am

Inside

And out

But it still feels

Like part of you

Cannot

Let go

To the past

But I am

One person

Unable to change

Who I was

Just accept me

Please

For the woman

Who emerged

From the shattered shell

I left behind

Long ago

9th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

I find it

Funny

How much effort

Time

Energy

I still put into you

A decade may have

Passed right by

But this pit of hatred

Still burns

Fierce

I just hope

It extinguishes

Before I'm engulfed

By flames

Of my own making

10th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

I expect nothing

While you want

The world

On a silver platter

The type you think

A man like you deserves

Respect for me

Is lacking

Love for me

Is gone

I am expected to be

The trophy wife

Yet I am not one

I am a woman

Of words and wit

With a tongue sharper

Than your bitter tit

I expect for you

Nothing

As that is all

You give

So I will give you

The same

Back with more

To spare

11th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

Hope

Is all that keeps me

Alive

Awake

Feeling

Hope that your love

Is as real as mine

Hope that you

Will never leave

Hope that no matter what

I always have you

Here with me

12th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

You kept me

From the pain

And the sadness

You hid me

From the hurt

And the cruel

You saved me

From the bitter

And the poison

You protected me

From the lies

And the comments

But unfortunately

When that bubble

Imploded

So do I

14th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

I remember

The old days

Our little 'dates'

Where we just

Curled up together

Films playing

Unwatched

In the background

As we talked

Utter nonsense

For hours on end

Snacks piled high

I miss those

Our best days

They may be gone

But least

I still have you

15th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

I can't

Forget

As much as I

Try

And I only

Allow myself

To forgive

Partially

But I can

Accept

What happened

A drunken mistake

That went

Too far

But not far enough

To die over

I don't cry

Anymore

And I can

Live on

Through it all

I just hope

You can too

Because my conscience

As miniscule as it is

Could not take

Any more fragility

Without an overdue

Shatter

16th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

I fight the thoughts

But no self-reassurance

Can keep me from

The inevitable

Spiral

That will plummet me

Down to the furthest

Bleakest point

In my mind

Where only

Darkness thrives

17th January 2020

Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge

We are two broken toys

Fractured by our past

To the point

We're beyond repair

Yet we still manage

To function

As much as we wish

That our mechanisms