2018
WAITING
Written 25th October 2018
That sinking feeling in my chest
As I wait for the words that never come
Tightening my throat
Choking my lungs
Making me regret existing
I feel myself break more than once
Twice
A never-ending multitude
My skin starts to burn
My eyes start to blur
And I wish I were dead
Embarrassment flushes me
As I wish to melt away
Into the crack on the floor
Away from the cruelty
Waiting is the truest hell
When your heart is on the line
THE LINE
Written 25th October 2018
I wait for that line
To determine my fate
My future
My life flashing before my eyes
I feel as if I am finally closing in
On that image I've always dreamed of
The big house
Every room filled to the brim
The noise
Every song and rhyme drawing me in
The relentless bickering of tiny mouths
A dog or two to lap at our toes
After a while, it all starts to dawn
Endless bills and fights
The pretend smiles, offered only on occasion, when others are looking our way
The "Everything's fine, it's all well"
Followed inevitably with the "I'm done"
The doors slamming
The children crying
The dogs barking
The divorce papers in the mail
And then the 2 minutes is up
And there's still no line
And I never know
Just how I feel
When it doesn't appear
THE V WORD
Written 29th October 2018
That six lettered dirty V word haunts me
With its 2 vowels and 4 consonants
It shadows my every feeling
All my interaction
It bellows from above
I can hear the whispers
See the pointing
Feel the staring
I wish a black hole would devour my existence
Is that her? Is she the one? Is it that girl?
The questions echo, no matter how low they're voiced
The fake smiles follow me
As do the eyes of pity
It's like the word is engraved in my flesh
It fills me with insecurity
Pulls every inch of anxiety to the surface
I didn't ask for this
I didn't want this burden to carry
The looks on their faces confirm my answer
It's all they'll ever see
Victim
Forever I am branded
BURN
Written 31st October 2018
Your name
One search
Three words brings you up
I have to add the country too
Boy, is your name popular
I feel sorry for the parents
Unknowingly naming their child after you
A sickening beast
Or the people who already shared the name
Oh so unlucky
First headline turns my stomach
Your portrait to the right
You appealed your sentence
Part of me wants you to be let go
Because I need my vengeance
And our legal system offers no justice
You shattered my heart
You decapitated my soul
You extinguished all light from pre-pubescent me
I just want to hurt you
Let's make you burn, Byrne
PING
Written 1st November 2018
One unread message
My phone pings
A message from you
I feel my heart race rapidly
The colour floods to my cheeks
The anxiety overtakes me
There's butterflies in my stomach
And a rush of lust in my limbs
With every character, I long for you
With every wait, I miss you
When my phone goes silent, My mind begins to scream
I can't tell just how you feel
It's pulling at my seams
I doubt you feel this way
As I'm intoxicated by you
It's almost an addiction
I need to go cold turkey
Before it becomes my final affliction
EMPTY
Written 2nd November 2018
Poem from A Flower Reborn
It feels weird
No longer being in your shadow
With the sun hitting my face harshly
And the wind blowing me over
I always thought I could be independent
That I'd be this confident energy when I was out of your shade
That nothing, nothing, could stop me being me
But now I seem to have lost part of me
I feel hollow
Empty
Alone
Even when I'm surrounded by people
Because none of them are you
And they never will be
TOXIC
Written 3rd November 2018
If only you saw me for me
You’d know I don’t really exist
Not this shell
Not these lies
Not the personality I force
Internally scarred
Prematurely dying
A diluted delight in small doses
Utterly toxic if taken in a large quantity
I’m an unstable solution
Use at your own risk
I won’t intentionally hurt you
But I hold no guarantees
COUNSELLING
Written 4th November 2018
A poem from A Flower Reborn
Crying
A knot in my throat
My past on a platter
My dreams on ice
Feelings and emotions
Spouting from my lips with a lack of control
A progressive silence
An understanding nod
An urge to continue
But no words forming
Is this even helping?
Do I even care?
A look on our calendars
An agreed date
I’ll be back once more
To unburden my load
One more counselling session
Can’t hurt
ANGEL
Written 5th November 2018
There’s a spot in my heart that will never heal
An ache and a pain that will never end
In losing you, I lost a world on possibilities
I lost my future best friend
For years I have grieved
As has our mother
Through the tears that will never stop
For eternity I will wish it was all different
That your place in life had not stopped
The younger brothers were too young to notice
The empty space in our lives we had to bear
And the oldest never knew how to say it
But if you looked in his face it was there
Even daddy misses his baby
With all the love he can spare
Though I may never have known you
I will love you for always more
Sister, please wait for me
We will one day be together
Forever just once and more
FORGOTTEN
Written 6th November 2018
Intertwined as one
Your hand caressing my thigh
Little tingles electrifying my skin
Your lips mere centimetres away
I inch closer
Just one touch
Fireworks everywhere
As I pull away you adjust your frame
Holding me in place
You tuck my hair behind my ear
A smile across your face
Leaning into me you take control
Placing your lips on mine
My body urges me nearer
Never wanting to end this time
If only we could stay curled forever
Not needing to move from here
Your arms enclosed around me
Holding me so dear
Your presence leaves me racing
I want you by my side
I think I’ve learnt what love is
From our forgotten times
YOU
Written 7th November 2018
A poem from A Flower Reborn
Leaving you
Fills me with ache
With pain
With longing
Withdrawal wearing me thin
My mind a scratching record
Skipping to thoughts of you
I feel myself shutting down
My imagination flickers
My heart hibernates
My breath halts
Until I’m by your side
Your hand in mine
I’m alive again
INEVITABILITY
Written 8th November 2018
I turn to face my demise
And I yell “Fuck you”
“I’m not ready”
“I’m too young”
“Take someone else”
But the thing about the reaper’s scythe is
Once it’s decided
That fate does not change
And you are it
THE FINAL STEP
Written 9th November 2018
I find myself on the edge every day
Waves crashing against the rocks
Drawing me closer
Calling my name
Sweet-talking my demise
Head overwhelmed by screams and pleas
“It’s just one step”
“Just a leap”
“Just a jump”
Urged nearer
Foot dangling into oblivion
One last push is all I need
A knock
A hard breeze
I exhale hard
Bracing myself for the fall I know is coming
You tap my shoulder
Pull me close
Promise me it’s all okay
That I’ll be fine
Before you push me off
My feet unable to control it
Until I fall completely into the abyss below me
MEMORY
Written 10th November 2018
A poem from A Flower Reborn
I’m forgetting
How it feels to have you close
To my side always attached to my hip
Your words delicately spoken
To me and me alone
The world did not need to hear your secrets
The truth only we knew
I feel as if the real me is fading
Replaced with a being that barely exists without you
Every day I feel paler, softer, lighter
Closer to the point
Where I do not exist
But am the faint memory
For the cycle to start again
For someone else to bear
I LOVE YOU
Written 11th November 2018
It sends a shiver down my spine
Hearing you speak those words
The warmth creeping to my heart
I just want to hear it all over
Again
Again
Again
Until I finally die
Of gluttony
UNTITLED
Written 12th November 2018
I want to feel bound by you
Intertwined
Connected through pure emotion
Unadulterated passion
Your flesh melting into my own
Your fangs tearing at my neck
As your claws dig deeply into my thighs
A rush of euphoria bursting in
Your lips move to caress my breast
As your fingers make me light work
I can’t hold back
All muscles completely in your control
Just waiting for the command
The permission it craves
Before it can truly give in
Submitting to your every will
Dominate me
Until neither of us can walk
DEPRESSION
Written 13th November 2018
Severe depression
Is like waiting for the rain to start
In the calm before the storm
One second
Perfectly fine
The next
Drowning in a sea of self-loathing and darkness
Pushed down further by the doubt and the guilt and the pain
No chance to break the surface
Waiting
Hoping
For that moment of shimmering light to crash through
Wishing on the rainbow that may never come
PARTS
Written 14th November 2018
Part of me wants to die
Whilst the other wants to survive
Is it pessimistic of me
Or sadistically euphoric
To think
To wonder
To wish
That both paths lead to the same outcome?
DEATH
Written 15th November 2018
I’m losing the fight
The battle
The war
The voices taking over
Collapsing my barricades
Demolishing everything in its path
Be it happiness
Or be it love
Vultures circle the last of my hope
Picking away at every loose morsel
Before I finally give in
The only thing left is death
IN YOUR ARMS
Written 15th November 2018
When I’m in your arms
I’m safe
I’m secure
I’m protected
When I’m in your arms
All the bad things fade
Time rushes by
But I enjoy every millisecond
Spent inhaling you
When I’m in your arms
I remember just what keeps me going
What keeps me ticking
What keeps me living
When I’m in your arms
I remember that all I want
And all I need
To survive the twisted darkness
Is you
TELL ME
Written 15th November 2018
Tell me you love me
So I can sleep
Without those words
I feel hollow
Bare
My mind starts to race
Paranoia taking over
Please sat those words
So I can rest
And be happy in thought tonight
NAKED
Written 17th November 2018
I feel naked
Revealing myself to you
As if you’re judging
Every fault
Every mark
Every flaw
On full display
I feel bare to the world
And for once
I am not hiding
I am not embarrassed
I am just me
ADDICTED
Written 18th November 2018
I am so addicted
Even an hour without you
Shakes me up
I feel feverish
Waiting for your next words
Longing for the ‘I love you’s
That keep me going
CRUELTY
Written 19th November 2018
My brain is cruel
It won’t let me forget
You never picked me
No matter how many times
I offered fruitfully
My heart still beats
Aches
Curses
Hoping one day you’ll be mine
HEARTS
Written 20th November 2018
I’ve collected hearts
For ever so long
I don’t know how to stop
I feel like a succubus
Constantly starving
Waiting for my next feast
I don’t know if I will ever
Be able to satisfy the lust
That claws in my chest
Trying to escape
LOVE
Written 21st November 2018
I love you
The words splutter from my mouth forcefully
So fierce they could knock you flying
After all this time, my heart still races
Trapezes
Catapults
Explodes
Just hearing your voice
Reading your messages
Looking into your enticing eyes
Feeling you next to me
Is my utter perfection
UNTITLED
Written 22nd November 2018
That sinking feeling in my chest
As I wait for the words that never come
Tightening my throat
Choking my lungs
Making me regret existing
I feel myself break more than once
Twice
A never-ending multitude
My skin starts to burn
My eyes start to blur
And I wish I were dead
Embarrassment flushes me
As I wish to melt away
Into the crack on the floor
Away from the cruelty
Waiting is the truest hell
When your heart is on the line
DUE
Written 23rd November 2018
My death is due
My end near
Today
Tomorrow
A few months from now
Maybe even years
My death is already written
I’m just waiting for it to play out
For all the pieces to align
To fall into place
I’m ready
Waiting
With my emotional luggage
Already packed to the brim
Lingering around
For that next journey to begin
HESITATION
Written 24th November 2018
I hesitate
The words already formed on my tongue
Demanding an escape
If I tell you now
I cannot take it back
It will be out
In the air
The world
The atmosphere
If I tell you now
I can never shy away
You will always know
You will always remember
When I gave in
If I tell you now
I’ll be powerless
You will have all control
I sigh internally
Forever frustrated with my own indecisiveness
I take a deep breath
The words still aching to be free
‘I love you’
There
It is out
And now it will never be secret again
Even if I long for it to be
RUNNING
Written 25th November 2018
There are times
Moments
Seconds
When all I want is to disappear
To leave
To run
No promise of return
To be free with my thoughts
Alone with my depression
No accelerators with applied pressure
Mowing me down at every turn
No conductors to fuel the disaster
Torching my very being
But if running were so simple
So easy
Why am I still here?
WORDS
Written 27th November 2018
Words come to me
At the strangest times
Just a spark
Just a flicker
Words come to me from all directions
Wanting to escape
Yet rarely
These thoughts
These sentences
Meet paper and pen
Because the flash has passed
Before I’ve had a chance
To give it any life
POETRY
2019
ONE
Written 3rd January 2019
Sundays in bed
Every time I inch away
You pull me close
Urging me to stay
Your arms perfectly wrap me
Enclose me
And I wish we could just keep
In this bubble of creation
For another week
TWO
Written 4th January 2019
I crave your love
More than I need air to breathe
More than I need a roof over my head
And money in my pocket
I'd give up everything
Just to hear those words once more
As you smile at me
And hold me
As I'm reminded I'm yours
THREE
Written 5th January 2019
I know that
Inevitably
Depression will be my end
Maybe not today
Tomorrow, or a decade from now
But the sharpest knives
Of the words filling my brain
Will pull me under
Until I give in
Let the thoughts take over
And end the existence I know
FOUR
Written 6th January 2019
With your body so close to mine
All I need is your lips
I need your fingertips tracing my skin
I need your hands holding mine
Just looking at you I remember why
Why I give in so easy
I love you more than I ever would have known
And it hurts knowing I can never have you
And it kills knowing just why
I wish everything was different
I wish it was all right
I just want to curl in your arms and forget the world
Even if just for one night.
FIVE
Written 7th January 2019
Written in honour of my fiance and his band
I stand in the masses
Eyes focused
As the lights drop
I search the stage
Looking for you
As you parade
Guitar in tow
My smile falters
Can you see me?
The wink and the tongue hanging out
Prove that you can
I start to glow
Just knowing that
I’m the groupie you take home
And that you are just mine
My little rockstar
Enjoying the spotlight
SIX
Written 8th January 2019
I love you
The words splutter from my mouth forcefully
So fierce they could knock you flying
After all this time, my heart still races
Trapezes
Catapults
Explodes
Just hearing your voice
Reading your messages
Looking into your enticing eyes
Feeling you next to me
Is my utter perfection
SEVEN
Written 9th January 2019
Sometimes
I wonder what my life would be
If you were not by my side
And all I see
Is a terrible darkness
An absolute blackness
An abyss waiting to suck me in
The instant you are gone
No escape
No salvation
Just complete emptiness
A neverending void
Isolated
It makes me grateful
Euphoric
To know you are still here
To keep me from what can only be
The end
EIGHT
Written 9th January 2019
Written initially for an untitled LGBT novel
I feel like
You're my dirty little secret
With all our sneaking
All our planning
Isn't it just time
To let our families know
And brace for the door's whack
Instead of lying to ourselves
About how we feel
Instead of acting like
Naughty children on the brink of
A raw punishment
If you say the words
I'll follow suit
"Mama, I'm gay"
Is all it will take
To determine our lives
As one
NINE
Written 11th January 2019
Your lips on mine
Is all I dream of
Your hands on my hips
Holding me close
Is my utter paradise
Every second I’m not with you
You’re all that’s on my mind
From innocent kisses
To lust-driven love making
Waking up next to you
Is my burning passion
Sleeping next to you
My never-ending delight
TEN
Written 12th January 2019
I want to break the silence
Wash away the stigma
Destroy the negativity
Starve the anger
Decimate the Stereotypes
Extinguish the fear
Wipe out the hatred
Break down the barriers
Smash the walls
Erase everything
Of hurt
Just so we can be us
And I can be me
While you’re being you
In this world of the free
ELEVEN
Written 13th January 2019
I curl into your arms
And in that instant
I feel everything is alright
No matter how fucked up
The world seemed before
And no matter how much worse it will get
As soon as you are holding me
I know it is all
Going to be okay
TWELVE
Written 14th January 2019
I look at you
And I see the person I want to be
Sweet and caring
Confident and proud
Loud and plucky
The person you look to
For help
For the plan
For ideas
And then I look in the mirror
And remember just how silent
My tongue can be
As soon as I’m surrounded by
More than me, myself and I
I long for a time
When anxiety won’t reduce me
To a mute
Or a blithering baboon
When I’m asked to vocalise
Even a word
But I doubt that day will come
THIRTEEN
Written 15th January 2019
There are days when I miss you
When it just won’t stop
I can’t blink away the pain
Or imagine you’re not gone
There’s an emptiness in the space you left
And I feel scared to say your name
With all the memories rushing back
Bruising my already damaged heart
I never thought I’d need to live without you
But you left me no choice
And all I can do now
Is survive
FOURTEEN
Written 16th January 2019
I sit by your feet
As you strum
A few simple notes to start
Playing until
The song forms in the vibrations
As the melody hits my ears
I blush
You learnt our song
Oh clever boy
I love you so
Just listening as you serenade me
Sends my heart a flutter
I know now
I can never let you go
FIFTEEN
Written 17th January 2019
I’ve loved you
Since the first time we spoke
There was just a way
That you made my heart tumble
Out of my chest
With your cheeky laugh
And sarcastic comments
I never knew
There was someone as cynical
As me out there
And as soon as I knew
How perfect you were
I could just never let you go
SIXTEEN
Written 18th January 2019
I told myself
Life without you
Would be the easiest way
To survive
But I need your words
I long for your glances
I beg for your skin on mine
And I know one day
You’ll break my heart
Disappearing for good
But until then
I’m a lost little puppy
Trailing everywhere you go
SEVENTEEN
Written 19th January 2019
Your lips on mine
My happy place
Bare skin
Warmed by one another’s touch
My heart racing
Against my ribcage
As you run your hand along my side
To its resting place
On my hips
You tighten your grip
Keeping me in the place
Where I belong
Underneath you
Nakedly tangled
Heavily breathing
As we make love
For the hundredth time
You push my hair out of my eyes
And whisper with your final thrust
“I love you”
And I can’t hold back
My overwhelming need
To climax with you
Once more
EIGHTEEN
Written 19th January 2019
I need you
I always need you
I tell myself
That I'm not a woman
Who needs a man
And yet
I cling to you
Like there's no tomorrow
Like without you
I've lost a limb
But I'm okay with that
Because at least
I have you
NINETEEN
Written 21st January 2019
To the people who say
Pain makes us human
Or it makes you feel alive:
Fuck you
Try to live every minute
Not knowing when the next flare up will come
Avoiding the simplest things
To allow basic movement
For the next day
Try having every muscle seize up
And fighting off spasms in public
To prevent the looks
And murmurs of ‘freak’
The complete loss of control
Of your own body
To the point all you can so is cry
Deal with being called a hypochondriac
And hold it’s all in your head
As the medical professionals do all they can
To fill you with drugs
Instead of helping find out what’s actually wrong
If pain makes us alive
Why is the only thing I long for
When it gets beyond the point of unbearable
Is death?
I wish for the days without the aches
And pray for the moments I can feel young
So I can be alive once more.
TWENTY
Written 22nd January 2019
In your arms
I’m completely safe
Cocooned from the world
Protected from my head
My paranoia can’t get me
Whilst your warm embrace
Holds me tight
My brain can’t hurt me
And life can’t scare me
While I’m all curled up into you
You keep me strong
You keep me guarded
From all the danger out there
WHAT AM I?
Written 22nd January 2019
Am I a victim of the world
Or a victim of myself
Is it my bad decisions that
Ruined my teenage years
Or the acts of others
There's moments when I feel
The blame falls on my own shoulders
I was naive
Dumb
Trusting
And yet there are others when I know
I did nothing wrong.
We live in a world
Where victims never know
Who was at fault
Because people tell us otherwise
We're not victims
We're sluts who deserved it
Because of our clothes
Or our make-up
We were drunk
So we must be to blame
For the actions of another
We led them on
By being polite or enjoying
The initial attention presented our way
We know ourselves we're not to blame
Yet it's drilled into our minds that
We must have done something
To provoke
To mislead
To engage
The monster who stamped us with the V label
Because they can't just be a monster
Just like we can't just be innocent.
TWENTY ONE
Written 22nd January 2019
My mind wanders
And there you are
Sat waiting patiently
For me
Whenever my brain has a free millisecond
You fill the space completely
I can’t help but smile
When you’re in every thought
Looking at me with those eyes
A cheeky smirk sketched across your face
It helps me through
Every moment I’m not with you
TWENTY TWO
Written 26th January 2019
Tell me you love me
For the millionth time
To keep my paranoia at bay
I fight my brain
Accusing you of lies
Cursing me for having feelings
And not being
Completely emotionless
I tell myself
My head is wrong
That I know you
And I know your heart
But please
Tell me you love me
Again
TWENTY THREE
Written 30th January 2019
There’s days when I’m waiting
Anxiously
For you to realise
I’m not worth the effort
I’m paranoid that
The thought will click
And you’ll be gone in an instant
Bags packed
Never to return
I find myself
Fighting to keep you
And inevitably pushing you further away
With every little mess
I know I test your patience
With things mainly out of my control
As much as I want you to stay
I feel that eventually
You’ll decide I’m too fucked up
For you to cope with a second longer
And that no matter how much
We need each other
Life without me
Would just be easier
I want to plead
“Please don’t go”
But I’ve practically accepted
You deserve better
And I’m just waiting
For you to realise it too
Which leaves me filled
With existential dread
For the moment you do
TWENTY FOUR
Written 31st January 2019
I could sit up all day
And sit up all night
Because sleep without you
Is thoroughly impossible
I need your arms
Encasing me
Keeping me warm
To even feel
That gradual need of rest
Without it
My mind races
Preventing the call
PTSD
Written 31st January 2019
Bad thoughts
Running through my head
Fighting the urge
To gouge my eyes out
To stop the flicker
Distracting my focus
I know you're not really here
But something in my brain
Is keeping you in place
Just to torture me
The PTSD is worsening
Because I seem to have opened a door
That had been locked for so long
Even your name sends a shiver
Deep into my soul
And haunts every second
I hope in the long run
This therapy will be worth
Opening the Pandora's box I buried
That is you
TWENTY FIVE
Written 1st February 2019
My head on your chest
And I’m home
As you caress my cheek
And pull me up for a kiss
This is all I need
To feel better
With your hand
Stroking my hair
I’m settled beyond content
TWENTY SIX
Written 2nd February 2019
My heart skips a beat
When I look into your eyes
And see the love
Reflecting back at me
Just knowing how you feel
Leaves me flustered
And makes me long
To be by your side
Until the end
Just so you can see
How I feel too
TWENTY SEVEN
Written 4th February 2019
When you’re not here
I count down the seconds
Until you return to me
And embrace my open arms
I feel lost
When you’re not by side
Centring me to the spot
And giving me a place
To truly belong
TWENTY EIGHT
Written 5th February 2019
Sometimes I find it hard to say in words
Just how I feel
About you
As if the second the words are out
You’ll doubt them
Because they exist outside of our safe bubble
I’m sorry I’ve been raised
On cruelty above kindness
And how it has ruined my perception of life
So my honest lines may be tainted
But know in your heart
All I say is true
And I have never meant it more
When I say I love you
TWENTY NINE
Written 6th February 2019
You are the best form of distraction
The type that puts a smile on my face
When nothing else seems to shake
My cold demeanour
The type that keeps my head busy
Every hour of the day
Blocking out everything bad
The type that makes me ache
To be physically with you
So you can distract me in person
Some more
THIRTY
Written 7th February 2019
I think I’ve found the perfect man
Someone to curl up with to a film
To stroke my hair when I need comfort
To kiss me sweetly before he leaves my side
To tell me he loves me
When I need those words the most
To sweet talk me and tease me
All in the same sentence
It just so happen
That my perfect man
Is you
THIRTY ONE
Written 8th February 2019
Just let depression take me for a moment
It’ll be okay
He’s an old friend
Who I’ve danced with
For longer than I’d like
But as much as we step on each other’s toes
We both know
It’s not time to leave just yet
We’ll sway some more
Enjoying the dying atmosphere
Huddled close
Murmured whispers between
As the evening and crowd wear thin
Until the final song plays
The last notes echoing in the air
As the band pack away their instruments
And the caterers clean hard
We’ll applaud the good show
The other put on
For so long
Praising the final charade
And then we’ll go
Arm in arm
Wherever the wind blows
THIRTY TWO
Written 9th February 2019
Written initially for an untitled LGBT novel
I wish our love didn’t feel
Like a crime
That we didn’t have to sneak
Through utter darkness
Just to be together
That we could go out
And be public
Not hidden in the shadows
There is nothing wrong
With loving you
But the guilt is overwhelming
Love is love
Not an offence
Even if it may hurt
The people we care for
THIRTY THREE
Written 10th February
2019
Loving you
Came as naturally
As the sun rise
It just grew until it filled
My entire horizon brightly
And now I can’t imagine
A moment without you
Filling my world up
And pushing the darkness
To the shadows
THIRTY FOUR
Written 12th February
2019
Written initially for an untitled LGBT novel
I count down the days
Til I need to give you up
Until this love affair ends
Til you leave me for good
It could still be months
It could even be years
But my heart is constantly waiting
For you to break it
Because every ounce of me knows
Our ending is inevitable
THIRTY FIVE
Written 13th February
2019
My paranoia thrives
As every moment with you
Is tainted
Every stolen kiss
Every loving glance
I wish it would stop
Tarnishing every second of happiness
I have ever enjoyed
But the cruelest thing about depression
Is it devours everything in its path
To make sure it conquers
Every element of you
That stands in its way
In the end
THIRTY SIX
Written 14th February
2019
I tell myself
I’m not the romantic type
And then I look at you
And all I want to do
Is spoil you rotten
And care for you
Every second of the day
Not wasting a moment at hand
With any other fuss
I never knew
I could love someone
So passionately
So wholly
So completely
But this Valentine’s day
Let me say
I love you so deeply
In every single way
THIRTY SEVEN
Written 15th February
2019
If there was any way to free myself of this pain
I would take it
The physical and emotional turmoil
Isn’t quote my cup of tea
I feel like everything is out to get me
My body
My mind
My life
Because nothing ever flows right
I’m always being pushed further down the rapids
Without any chance of salvation
And it’s tempting to just see
If a great sharp rock
Could just end this for me
For once and for all
Before the waterfall does it for them
THIRTY EIGHT
Written 16th February
2019
There is no one else
Who could fill the void
That you would leave
If we ended this now
I could try
And would repeatedly
Indisputably fail
As there is no one
That will ever fill my heart
As much as you do
THIRTY NINE
Written 18th February
2019
I’m needy
To the point I ache for
Constant idolation
Attention
Activity
I can’t sit still without you near
My brain leaves my body
And I draw a blank
Until I’m once again by you
FORTY
Written 19th February
2019
You always leave
A massive grin on my face
When I need it most
You’re my rock
My protector
The perfect counterweight I need
To my train wreck of a life
Even when the end seems nigh
And I’m out if balance
You keep me in my place
You keep me all right
No matter what bad times come
I know you’re always there
Making sure I survive
For another year
FORTY ONE
Written 20th February
2019
The blade along my inner arm
Tingles
It’s been so long
Since I felt the urge
To plunge metal into my flesh
My brain is urging me to stop
And think
While my hands are acting on their own
The tip of the blade tracing old lines
I can’t control it
Not anymore
I look at the pretty art
I’ve had decorated on my skin
As my brain begs
Pleads
Grasping at straws
Trying to pull me out of this pit
I’ve sunken into with all my weight
A moment of rationality
And my phone is ringing
The person I always call when
I’m close to the edge
When I’m about to do something dumb
I hit speaker phone
Not even attempting to hide the tears
“Mum, I need help. Please come,”
I cry
I know she’ll be here as soon as she can
“I’m on my way,”
I hear as the call cuts out
I throw the blade to the corner of the room
Hoping she’ll be there
Before I get the nerve
To get the blade once more
I curl up in a ball and wait
For that knock on my door
To tell me it’s all okay now
And that I’m safe
From my own self again
FORTY TWO
Written 21st February
2019
I lick my lips
Missing the taste
Of yours on mine
I squeeze myself tight
Remembering just how your arms feel
Pressing me against you
I think of your voice
Whenever I’m lonely in the silence
To remind me I’m not alone
I caress my bare skin
Just waiting for your warmth to tingle
The icicles that are my flesh
I smile to myself
Just remembering how you react
Whenever I press myself close and whisper
And the cycle repeats
Until you can do all those things
Again
FORTY THREE
Written 22nd February
2019
How do you feel knowing
You have complete control
Over my very being
A little whisper
And I’m all yours
Do with me what you will
And never let go
FORTY FOUR
Written 24th February
2019
I wish I could make all the pain
Go away
You deserve so much better
Than this mess we live in
And I would do anything
To keep you happy
The world is toxic
But I would do everything
To keep you safe
I wish there were a cure
To the depressive cycle we live
But there is no such thing
At least I know
If I ever need it
That you’re here for me
So please just know
I’m here for you too
FORTY FIVE
Written 25th February
2019
There are days
I wish the pain would end
So much so
I see my own death on a loop
But I know
I have to keep fighting
I need to stay here
For you
No matter how much I need to be free
Of the mortal cool I’m noosed with
I promised I wouldn’t leave
Until the grim reaper took my hand
In its own
So I need to wait
Either til you abandon me
Or until that day comes
FORTY SIX
Written 27th February
2019
I have lived a life without you
And I would happily
Never in my existence
Live that life again
The loneliness unbearable
The love lingering
Causing an eternal ache
As my heart turns brittle
Cracked
Useless
Until you pump life into it again
FORTY SEVEN
Written 2nd March 2019
Loving me
Has got to be
The hardest task
In the world
I’m falling apart physically
I’m completely broken mentally
Yet you stick around
Treating me like a princess
Whilst I act the fool
I cannot list a part of me
That works like it normally should
Yet you stay by me
Caring for me
As if it’s the easiest thing to do
I fear one day you’ll live without me
But I know I won’t live without you
FORTY EIGHT
Written 3rd March 2019
I love you
But it’s okay
If you don’t love me
I would rather have
Blunt honesty
Than lies repeated softly
I care and will always care
No matter where you are
Because you were the first person
To steal my heart
And that I’ll always hold dear
FORTY NINE
Written 4th March 2019
I wish
I lived in a world
Without paranoia
Eating and overindulging
On every fleeting thought
So my brain thinks
“He doesn’t love me”
For a millisecond
There is slight doubt
And the paranoia feasts
And devours that minute opinion
Until it is repeated
A few hundred thousand times
To the point the repetitive
Has become fact in my mind
Not fiction
And now I don’t know
If it’s real
Or if my insanity is taking
Full control
FIFTY
Written 5th March 2019
There’s days I dream of suicide
And the only thing keeping me
From cutting down the river
Instead of along the stream
Is knowing you won’t keep going
Without me
I selfishly
Need you to keep living
Even if it means
I can’t kill myself
FIFTY ONE
Written 6th March 2019
I get withdrawals
And start to need you close
After a couple of hours without you
That’s when I miss you most
When I can still remember
The tingling of your fingertips
Your breath upon my neck
And the sweet taste of your lips
Come get back by me
I need you here
Keeping me warm
And holding me near
FIFTY TWO
Written 9th March 2019
I know you love me
I’ve seen the way you smile
When I glance your way
And I know how you pull me tight
Not wanting to let go
I just love being reminded
A few million times
So I know it is not a dream
And this is real
Since you know
How much I love you too
FIFTY THREE
Written 14th March 2019
I wish I could lay on you
All day long
Inhaling your sweet smell
I’m like a cat with catnip
I just want to bask in it
When I need to feel you close to me
And remember I am yours
FIFTY FOUR
Written 15th March 2019
You’ve made the first move
Since day 1
I’ve mimicked every movement
Hoping they’ll lead
To somewhere worthwhile
And from that first kiss
Our adventure together
Has led me to just one conclusion
You’re the only future I need
FIFTY FIVE
Written 16th March 2019
I could write you
A million poems
For a million days
The words may change
But the feelings never will
Because, baby, all that matters
Is how much I love you
FIFTY SIX
Written 17th March 2019
If I could
I’d never leave your side
I’d stay by you
Until you were sick of my company
As I never want you
To feel as alone
As I do when you’re not near
FIFTY SEVEN
Written 18th March 2019
Sometimes I feel
Loving you is like an addiction
I can’t get enough
No matter how much I take
I’m always aching for a fix
And it feels like
Complete ecstasy
Eternal bliss
When I get it
But a few hours later I’m fixing for more
And if I can’t have it
Right there, right then
I’m going cold turkey til I get some
I could wean myself off
Bite my lips til they’re bloody
Go stone cold sober
No exceptions
But then the cold harsh reality
Will burst the bubble
Of the happiness I have
When I’m with you
FIFTY EIGHT
Written 28th March 2019
I have severe depression
And sometimes it means
I want to slam my head
Against the wall;
Or I want to scream until
My lips are blue;
Or I want toxic comments
Sludging from my mouth
Ruining others
Like my brain has ruined me;
Or I want to overindulge
In life’s little things
Because my money is just
1s and 0s on a screen;
It means sometimes
I want to open my wrists
And watch the streams trickle
Until they run no more;
It also means
There’s days I just want to cry
And blame the world for it all;
All I know about my depression is
No day is exactly the same
There are times when I want love and support
And there are days when I want to be left alone completely to the point I doubt my existence.
There are days when the medication works
And days when I wish I could just pop them all and be ok
But all that matters is
I know I’m not alone when I need help
I know I’m not abandoned when I want love
And I know I’m always going to be given a reason
FIFTY NINE
Written 6th April 2019
I perch my head
Delicately on your chest
Listening to the rhythm
It beats
Just for me
The thunder it causes
As I kiss you lightly
The racing that comes
Before I say those three words
And then as I whisper
I love you
Exploding inside
SIXTY
Written 18th April 2019
Sometimes
I wonder what my life would be
If you were not by my side
And all I see
Is a terrible darkness
An absolute blackness
An abyss waiting to suck me in
The instant you are gone
No escape
No salvation
Just complete emptiness
A neverending void
Isolated
It makes me grateful
Euphoric
To know you are still here
To keep me from what can only be
The end
SIXTY ONE
Written 24th April 2019
We're two meteors colliding in the sky
Our collison may be
Hot and fiery
But we break beyond repair
Permanently fragmented
Only to plummet and destroy
All that is left in our wake
SIXTY TWO
Written 2nd May 2019
Devil take me
To a better place
Somewhere more worthy
Of being called home
SIXTY THREE
Written 11th May 2019
I want to help
But can't
My own brain is wrecked
With pain, with sorrow
I can't focus on anything
Or anyone else
But if I could
I just wish
I could take your pain away
Even if it meant
Piling on my own
But at this point
I'm buried
Down too deep
To help anyone
At all
SIXTY FOUR
Written 21st May 2019
You're cancerous
In the way that I remove you
But you come back fighting
Mutated
No matter how many times
I cut my feelings for you away
They'll return with more energy than I can fathom
To the point I'm so run down
From the constant fight
That I give in
And just let myself fall deep again
SIXTY FIVE
Written 7th June 2019
I get jealous
And I feel the urge
To withhold my love
My affection
Because though you have done nothing
In my head
It is all your fault
This anger
This loathing, including the self variety
Because stupidly
I let you steal my heart
SIXTY SIX
Written 21st June 2019
I'm struggling to write
Because the voices in my head
Can only see one ending
And that seems to be me
With a very nice knot
Pressed deeply into my neck
With a buckled stool below me
And a purple face left permanently gasping
SIXTY SEVEN
Written 29th June 2019
Into the bad place
I dissolve
Only the words
Resonate
Physically safe
Emotionally turmoiled
SIXTY EIGHT
Written 6th July 2019
I tell you I love you
And have told you for so long
I wonder if it ever truly stopped
As much as I tried to convince
Every nerve in my brain that
I had moved on
Maybe if I hadn't
Disappeared every time things got rough
It would all be different
And we could actually be
As happy as we make each other
For more than a few hours
At every stolen moment
SIXTY NINE
Written 18th July 2019
Depression
Is hungry
Its appetite
Practically insatiable
Devouring every minute insecurity
Consuming every second of doubt
Indulging in every trauma or
Embarrassment
It remains unsatisfied
Until only bones are left
SEVENTY
Written 24th July 2019
I try to fathom
The best words to sum up
All the anguish
All the torment
Engulfing my insides
Lonely doesn't cover it
Depressed is an understatement
Suicidal brands me as a risk
Which I'm not
Not currently
"I guess I'm just low"
I mumble
Hoping the doctor stops asking
That stupid question
For once
SEVENTY ONE
Written 12th August 2019
Sometimes writing
Drains every morsel
Out of my very being
But the word needs to be out
And flying free
To keep me sane
Just enough to cope
SEVENTY TWO
Written 17th August 2019
"I'm fine"
The lies splutter from my lips
Fine isn't something
I ever remember feeling
"I'm okay"
I smile fraudulently
Pretending my world isn't collapsing
Crumbling before my eyes
"I'll live"
The phrase echoing
While my head whispers
"Maybe not this time"
SEVENTY THREE
Written 25th August 2019
Wake up
Take a pill
To fix my broken head.
Eat
Take a pill
To ease my inflamed organs.
Move and function normally
Take a pill
To stop the ache in my decrepit muscles.
Try to sleep
Fail
Take a pill
Repeat tomorrow.
SEVENTY FOUR
Written 6th September 2019
Help me forget
Because this level of happiness
Was so explicably not meant
For my consumption
And withdrawal feels like
My heart being shattered
Once more
SEVENTY FIVE
Written 18th September 2019
I want your name
Etched on my skin
Scratched down to the bone
So I always remember the pain
I wilfully accepted
When I am nothing but a memory
To you
SEVENTY SIX
Written 24th September 2019
I fought the urge
For a decade
But now my palms are itchy
My mind is demanding
My skin is begging
For the first time
In what feels like too long
I gave in
And I let the cold slip of metal
Draw on my skin
Until it started to ache
Like the rest of me
SEVENTY SEVEN
Written 2nd October 2019
One little cut
That's all it took
To get me remembering
How this is all
I will ever be able
To control
Nothing else
Nothing more
Just this physical act
I commit on myself
SEVENTY EIGHT
Written 12th October 2019
Another year older
Another year hungrier
My lust for you
Insatiable
I'm addicted
Beyond repair
And for this addiction
I want no fix
SEVENTY NINE
Written 22nd November 2019
I wish
For a second
We could live
In the dreams
To be happy
To be free
To be each other's
To just be you and me
But then I remember
That fate isn't kind
And our seconds
Fleeting by
Beyond our control
Out of sight
Out of mind
The spell broken
By the smallest of cries
As you leave me to sing
Rockabye
EIGHTY
Written 30th November 2019
Fighting my thoughts
I try to pretend
Just for a day
I'm fine
Even if
All I want
Is to curl up
A vodka in my hand
With the world
Set alight around me
EIGHTY ONE
Written 14th December 2019
You are
The reason I wake
The reason I breathe
The reason I remain
The reason I need
You are
The smile on my lips
The twinkle in my eye
You are
The beating of my heart
As you're nearby
You are
The only thing I ever think
No matter the day or time
You are
The love songs that stick in my head
The sweetness of their rhyme
You are
The reason I'm not scared
Of ever being alone
Because I know no matter what
You are always my home
You are
The person I love so dear
And hold so close and true
You my amazing love
Are all I need
Honestly, just you
EIGHTY TWO
Written 31st December 2019
Next year
Will be better
I lie to myself
Waiting
As the seconds tick by
Until it's end
2020
1st January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
To all the men
Who've hurt me
I may forgive
But I do not forget
Your actions deeply cut
Into the skin and bones
I wear
But each day I breathe
I remember
I would hold no strength
Without you.
Without your lingering gazes
And wandering hands
Even to the utterance of 'No'
I would not know
I can stand up
For myself
Kicking and screaming
If I need to.
Without the heartbreak
And tears you left
I would not know
That though it hurts
And it feels like dying
I can live on alone.
Without your lies
And broken promises
I would not know
That not everyone
Is worth the trust
I give.
Without your critique
The scarring words
And judgemental tones
I would not know
How easy it can be
To just carry on
Even through the fight of
How sexist this world
Will always be.
Now I know
Just how to survive
In a world still run by men
So thank you daddy
My abusers
My so-called friends
Because I still live
And I will never
Forget.
3rd January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
Those four letters
Could change the world
If more people
Accepted it
With open arms
And welcoming hearts
Instead of
Publicly degrading
Abusing
Hurting
People who see it
Differently in their own way
Why should they
Be punished
For things out of
Their ability to control
Just because
You can't stand it
When their love takes
A different direction
To your own?
Love is love.
No matter what.
4th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
My heart races
From the second
You're by my side
To the moment
You leave
Where it remains
Stagnant
Until you return
Once more
5th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
Can we go
Back to when
The love was still felt
Pouring out of
Every pore
And breath?
Instead of the
Arguments
The fights
The jealousy
The bitterness
That came with
Growing older?
Let's go back
To before the doubt
And before the aches
To the place
Where we agreed
That this is what
We lived for
And planned to live for
Forever
As I do not wish
To lose you
Just yet
6th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
Complicated
Doesn't quite sum up
Everything ongoing
Through my life
And racing through
My mind
I wish it were all
As simple
As my feelings
For you
7th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
All I've asked for
All I've hoped
Is for you
To accept
Just who I am
Inside
And out
But it still feels
Like part of you
Cannot
Let go
To the past
But I am
One person
Unable to change
Who I was
Just accept me
Please
For the woman
Who emerged
From the shattered shell
I left behind
Long ago
9th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
I find it
Funny
How much effort
Time
Energy
I still put into you
A decade may have
Passed right by
But this pit of hatred
Still burns
Fierce
I just hope
It extinguishes
Before I'm engulfed
By flames
Of my own making
10th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
I expect nothing
While you want
The world
On a silver platter
The type you think
A man like you deserves
Respect for me
Is lacking
Love for me
Is gone
I am expected to be
The trophy wife
Yet I am not one
I am a woman
Of words and wit
With a tongue sharper
Than your bitter tit
I expect for you
Nothing
As that is all
You give
So I will give you
The same
Back with more
To spare
11th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
Hope
Is all that keeps me
Alive
Awake
Feeling
Hope that your love
Is as real as mine
Hope that you
Will never leave
Hope that no matter what
I always have you
Here with me
12th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
You kept me
From the pain
And the sadness
You hid me
From the hurt
And the cruel
You saved me
From the bitter
And the poison
You protected me
From the lies
And the comments
But unfortunately
When that bubble
Imploded
So do I
14th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
I remember
The old days
Our little 'dates'
Where we just
Curled up together
Films playing
Unwatched
In the background
As we talked
Utter nonsense
For hours on end
Snacks piled high
I miss those
Our best days
They may be gone
But least
I still have you
15th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
I can't
Forget
As much as I
Try
And I only
Allow myself
To forgive
Partially
But I can
Accept
What happened
A drunken mistake
That went
Too far
But not far enough
To die over
I don't cry
Anymore
And I can
Live on
Through it all
I just hope
You can too
Because my conscience
As miniscule as it is
Could not take
Any more fragility
Without an overdue
Shatter
16th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
I fight the thoughts
But no self-reassurance
Can keep me from
The inevitable
Spiral
That will plummet me
Down to the furthest
Bleakest point
In my mind
Where only
Darkness thrives
17th January 2020
Part of my 'A Poem A Day' challenge
We are two broken toys
Fractured by our past
To the point
We're beyond repair
Yet we still manage
To function
As much as we wish
That our mechanisms