2018

October

25th October

That sinking feeling in my chest

As I wait for the words that never come

Tightening my throat

Choking my lungs

Making me regret existing

I feel myself break more than once

Twice

A never-ending multitude

My skin starts to burn

My eyes start to blur

And I wish I were dead

Embarrassment flushes me

As I wish to melt away

Into the crack on the floor

Away from the cruelty

Waiting is the truest hell

When your heart is on the line

 

25th October

I wait for that line

To determine my fate

My future

My life flashing before my eyes

I feel as if I am finally closing in

On that image I've always dreamed of

The big house

Every room filled to the brim

The noise

Every song and rhyme drawing me in

The relentless bickering of tiny mouths

A dog or two to lap at our toes

After a while, it all starts to dawn

Endless bills and fights

The pretend smiles, offered only on occasion, when others are looking our way

The "Everything's fine, it's all well"

Followed inevitably with the "I'm done"

The doors slamming

The children crying

The dogs barking

The divorce papers in the mail

And then the 2 minutes is up

And there's still no line

And I never know

Just how I feel

When it doesn't appear

29th October

That six lettered dirty V word haunts me
With its 2 vowels and 4 consonants
It shadows my every feeling
All my interaction
It bellows from above
I can hear the whispers
See the pointing
Feel the staring
I wish a black hole would devour my existence
Is that her? Is she the one? Is it that girl?
The questions echo, no matter how low they're voiced
The fake smiles follow me
As do the eyes of pity
It's like the word is engraved in my flesh
It fills me with insecurity
Pulls every inch of anxiety to the surface
I didn't ask for this
I didn't want this burden to carry
The looks on their faces confirm my answer
It's all they'll ever see
Victim
Forever I am branded

31st October

Your name
One search
Three words brings you up
I have to add the country too
Boy, is your name popular
I feel sorry for the parents
Unknowingly naming their child after you
A sickening beast
Or the people who already shared the name
Oh so unlucky
First headline turns my stomach
Your portrait to the right
You appealed your sentence
Part of me wants you to be let go
Because I need my vengeance
And our legal system offers no justice
You shattered my heart
You decapitated my soul
You extinguished all light from pre-pubescent me
I just want to hurt you
Let's make you burn, Byrne

November

 

1st November

One unread message
My phone pings
A message from you
I feel my heart race rapidly
The colour floods to my cheeks
The anxiety overtakes me
There's butterflies in my stomach
And a rush of lust in my limbs
With every character, I long for you
With every wait, I miss you
When my phone goes silent, My mind begins to scream
I can't tell just how you feel
It's pulling at my seams
I doubt you feel this way
As I'm intoxicated by you
It's almost an addiction
I need to go cold turkey
Before it becomes my final affliction

3rd November

If only you saw me for me
You’d know I don’t really exist
Not this shell
Not these lies
Not the personality I force
Internally scarred
Prematurely dying
A diluted delight in small doses
Utterly toxic if taken in a large quantity
I’m an unstable solution
Use at your own risk
I won’t intentionally hurt you
But I hold no guarantees

2nd November

It feels weird
No longer being in your shadow
With the sun hitting my face harshly
And the wind blowing me over
I always thought I could be independent
That I'd be this confident energy when I was out of your shade
That nothing, nothing, could stop me being me
But now I seem to have lost part of me
I feel hollow
Empty
Alone
Even when I'm surrounded by people
Because none of them are you
And they never will be

4th November

Crying
A knot in my throat
My past on a platter
My dreams on ice
Feelings and emotions
Spouting from my lips with a lack of control
A progressive silence
An understanding nod
An urge to continue
But no words forming
Is this even helping?
Do I even care?
A look on our calendars
An agreed date
I’ll be back once more
To unburden my load
One more counselling session
Can’t hurt

5th November

There’s a spot in my heart that will never heal
An ache and a pain that will never end
In losing you, I lost a world on possibilities
I lost my future best friend
For years I have grieved
As has our mother
Through the tears that will never stop
For eternity I will wish it was all different
That your place in life had not stopped
The younger brothers were too young to notice
The empty space in our lives we had to bear
And the oldest never knew how to say it
But if you looked in his face it was there
Even daddy misses his baby
With all the love he can spare
Though I may never have known you
I will love you for always more
Sister, please wait for me
We will one day be together
Forever just once and more

6th November

Intertwined as one
Your hand caressing my thigh
Little tingles electrifying my skin
Your lips mere centimetres away
I inch closer
Just one touch
Fireworks everywhere
As I pull away you adjust your frame
Holding me in place
You tuck my hair behind my ear
A smile across your face
Leaning into me you take control
Placing your lips on mine
My body urges me nearer
Never wanting to end this time
If only we could stay curled forever
Not needing to move from here
Your arms enclosed around me
Holding me so dear
Your presence leaves me racing
I want you by my side
I think I’ve learnt what love is
From our forgotten times

7th November

Leaving you
Fills me with ache
With pain
With longing
Withdrawal wearing me thin
My mind a scratching record
Skipping to thoughts of you
I feel myself shutting down
My imagination flickers
My heart hibernates
My breath halts
Until I’m by your side
Your hand in mine
I’m alive again

8th November

I turn to face my demise
And I yell “Fuck you”
“I’m not ready”
“I’m too young”
“Take someone else”
But the thing about the reaper’s scythe is
Once it’s decided
That fate does not change
And you are it

9th November

I find myself on the edge every day
Waves crashing against the rocks
Drawing me closer
Calling my name
Sweet-talking my demise
Head overwhelmed by screams and pleas
“It’s just one step”
“Just a leap”
“Just a jump”
Urged nearer
Foot dangling into oblivion
One last push is all I need
A knock
A hard breeze
I exhale hard
Bracing myself for the fall I know is coming
You tap my shoulder
Pull me close
Promise me it’s all okay
That I’ll be fine
Before you push me off
My feet unable to control it
Until I fall completely into the abyss below me

10th November

I’m forgetting
How it feels to have you close
To my side always attached to my hip
Your words delicately spoken
To me and me alone
The world did not need to hear your secrets
The truth only we knew
I feel as if the real me is fading
Replaced with a being that barely exists without you
Every day I feel paler, softer, lighter
Closer to the point
Where I do not exist
But am the faint memory
For the cycle to start again
For someone else to bear

11th November

It sends a shiver down my spine
Hearing you speak those words
The warmth creeping to my heart
I just want to hear it all over
Again
Again
Again
Until I finally die
Of gluttony

12th November

I want to feel bound by you
Intertwined
Connected through pure emotion
Unadulterated passion
Your flesh melting into my own
Your fangs tearing at my neck
As your claws dig deeply into my thighs
A rush of euphoria bursting in
Your lips move to caress my breast
As your fingers make me light work
I can’t hold back
All muscles completely in your control
Just waiting for the command
The permission it craves
Before it can truly give in
Submitting to your every will
Dominate me
Until neither of us can walk

13th November

Severe depression
Is like waiting for the rain to start
In the calm before the storm
One second
Perfectly fine
The next
Drowning in a sea of self-loathing and darkness
Pushed down further by the doubt and the guilt and the pain
No chance to break the surface
Waiting
Hoping
For that moment of shimmering light to crash through
Wishing on the rainbow that may never come

14th November

Part of me wants to die
Whilst the other wants to survive
Is it pessimistic of me
Or sadistically euphoric
To think
To wonder
To wish
That both paths lead to the same outcome?

15th November

15th November

When I’m in your arms
I’m safe
I’m secure
I’m protected
When I’m in your arms
All the bad things fade
Time rushes by
But I enjoy every millisecond
Spent inhaling you
When I’m in your arms
I remember just what keeps me going
What keeps me ticking
What keeps me living
When I’m in your arms
I remember that all I want
And all I need
To survive the twisted darkness
Is you

I’m losing the fight
The battle
The war
The voices taking over
Collapsing my barricades
Demolishing everything in its path
Be it happiness
Or be it love
Vultures circle the last of my hope
Picking away at every loose morsel
Before I finally give in
The only thing left is death

15th November

Tell me you love me

So I can sleep

Without those words

I feel hollow

Bare

My mind starts to race

Paranoia taking over

Please sat those words

So I can rest

And be happy in thought tonight

17th November

I feel naked
Revealing myself to you
As if you’re judging
Every fault
Every mark
Every flaw
On full display
I feel bare to the world
And for once
I am not hiding
I am not embarrassed
I am just me

2nd February

19th November

My brain is cruel
It won’t let me forget
You never picked me
No matter how many times
I offered fruitfully
My heart still beats
Aches
Curses
Hoping one day you’ll be mine

18th November

I am so addicted
Even an hour without you
Shakes me up
I feel feverish
Waiting for your next words
Longing for the ‘I love you’s
That keep me going

20th November

I’ve collected hearts
For ever so long
I don’t know how to stop
I feel like a succubus
Constantly starving
Waiting for my next feast
I don’t know if I will ever
Be able to satisfy the lust
That claws in my chest
Trying to escape

21st November

I love you
The words splutter from my mouth forcefully
So fierce they could knock you flying
After all this time, my heart still races
Trapezes
Catapults
Explodes
Just hearing your voice
Reading your messages
Looking into your enticing eyes
Feeling you next to me
Is my utter perfection

22nd November

That sinking feeling in my chest
As I wait for the words that never come
Tightening my throat
Choking my lungs
Making me regret existing
I feel myself break more than once
Twice
A never-ending multitude
My skin starts to burn
My eyes start to blur
And I wish I were dead
Embarrassment flushes me
As I wish to melt away
Into the crack on the floor
Away from the cruelty
Waiting is the truest hell
When your heart is on the line

23rd November

My death is due
My end near
Today
Tomorrow
A few months from now
Maybe even years
My death is already written
I’m just waiting for it to play out
For all the pieces to align
To fall into place
I’m ready
Waiting
With my emotional luggage
Already packed to the brim
Lingering around
For that next journey to begin

24th November

I hesitate
The words already formed on my tongue
Demanding an escape
If I tell you now
I cannot take it back
It will be out
In the air
The world
The atmosphere
If I tell you now
I can never shy away
You will always know
You will always remember
When I gave in
If I tell you now
I’ll be powerless
You will have all control
I sigh internally
Forever frustrated with my own indecisiveness
I take a deep breath
The words still aching to be free
‘I love you’
There
It is out
And now it will never be secret again
Even if I long for it to be

25th November

There are times
Moments
Seconds
When all I want is to disappear
To leave
To run
No promise of return
To be free with my thoughts
Alone with my depression
No accelerators with applied pressure
Mowing me down at every turn
No conductors to fuel the disaster
Torching my very being
But if running were so simple
So easy
Why am I still here?

27th November

Words come to me
At the strangest times
Just a spark
Just a flicker
Words come to me from all directions
Wanting to escape
Yet rarely
These thoughts
These sentences
Meet paper and pen
Because the flash has passed
Before I’ve had a chance
To give it any life

©2020 by Kirstin Graham Writing. Proudly created with Wix.com