2019

January

3rd January

Sundays in bed

Every time I inch away

You pull me close

Urging me to stay

Your arms perfectly wrap me

Enclose me

And I wish we could just keep

In this bubble of creation

For another week

 

4th January

I crave your love

More than I need air to breathe

More than I need a roof over my head

And money in my pocket

I'd give up everything

Just to hear those words once more

As you smile at me

And hold me

As I'm reminded I'm yours

5th January

I know that

Inevitably

Depression will be my end

Maybe not today

Tomorrow, or a decade from now

But the sharpest knives

Of the words filling my brain

Will pull me under

Until I give in

Let the thoughts take over

And end the existence I know

7th January

I stand in the masses
Eyes focused
As the lights drop
I search the stage
Looking for you
As you parade
Guitar in tow
My smile falters
Can you see me?
The wink and the tongue hanging out
Prove that you can
I start to glow
Just knowing that
I’m the groupie you take home
And that you are just mine
My little rockstar
Enjoying the spotlight

6th January

With your body so close to mine
All I need is your lips
I need your fingertips tracing my skin
I need your hands holding mine
Just looking at you I remember why
Why I give in so easy
I love you more than I ever would have known
And it hurts knowing I can never have you
And it kills knowing just why
I wish everything was different
I wish it was all right
I just want to curl in your arms and forget the world
Even if just for one night

8th January

I love you

The words splutter from my mouth forcefully

So fierce they could knock you flying

After all this time, my heart still races

Trapezes

Catapults

Explodes

Just hearing your voice

Reading your messages

Looking into your enticing eyes

Feeling you next to me

Is my utter perfection

9th January

Sometimes
I wonder what my life would be
If you were not by my side
And all I see
Is a terrible darkness
An absolute blackness
An abyss waiting to suck me in
The instant you are gone
No escape
No salvation
Just complete emptiness
A neverending void
Isolated
It makes me grateful
Euphoric
To know you are still here
To keep me from what can only be
The end

9th January

I feel like

You're my dirty little secret

With all our sneaking

All our planning

Isn't it just time

To let our families know

And brace for the door's whack

Instead of lying to ourselves

About how we feel

Instead of acting like

Naughty children on the brink of

A raw punishment

If you say the words

I'll follow suit

"Mama, I'm gay"

Is all it will take

To determine our lives

As one

15th January

There are days when I miss you
When it just won’t stop
I can’t blink away the pain
Or imagine you’re not gone
There’s an emptiness in the space you left
And I feel scared to say your name
With all the memories rushing back
Bruising my already damaged heart
I never thought I’d need to live without you
But you left me no choice
And all I can do now
Is survive

12th January

I want to break the silence
Wash away the stigma
Destroy the negativity
Starve the anger
Decimate the Stereotypes
Extinguish the fear
Wipe out the hatred
Break down the barriers
Smash the walls
Erase everything
Of hurt
Just so we can be us
And I can be me
While you’re being you
In this world of the free

13th January

I curl into your arms
And in that instant
I feel everything is alright
No matter how fucked up
The world seemed before
And no matter how much worse it will get
As soon as you are holding me
I know it is all
Going to be okay

14th January

I look at you
And I see the person I want to be
Sweet and caring
Confident and proud
Loud and plucky
The person you look to
For help
For the plan
For ideas
And then I look in the mirror
And remember just how silent
My tongue can be
As soon as I’m surrounded by
More than me, myself and I
I long for a time
When anxiety won’t reduce me
To a mute
Or a blithering baboon
When I’m asked to vocalise
Even a word
But I doubt that day will come

11th January

Your lips on mine
Is all I dream of
Your hands on my hips
Holding me close
Is my utter paradise
Every second I’m not with you
You’re all that’s on my mind
From innocent kisses
To lust-driven love making
Waking up next to you
Is my burning passion
Sleeping next to you
My never-ending delight

16th January

I sit by your feet
As you strum
A few simple notes to start
Playing until
The song forms in the vibrations
As the melody hits my ears
I blush
You learnt our song
Oh clever boy
I love you so
Just listening as you serenade me
Sends my heart a flutter
I know now
I can never let you go

17th January

I’ve loved you
Since the first time we spoke
There was just a way
That you made my heart tumble
Out of my chest
With your cheeky laugh
And sarcastic comments
I never knew
There was someone as cynical
As me out there
And as soon as I knew
How perfect you were
I could just never let you go

19th January

Your lips on mine
My happy place
Bare skin
Warmed by one another’s touch
My heart racing
Against my ribcage
As you run your hand along my side
To its resting place
On my hips
You tighten your grip
Keeping me in the place
Where I belong
Underneath you
Nakedly tangled
Heavily breathing
As we make love
For the hundredth time
You push my hair out of my eyes
And whisper with your final thrust
“I love you”
And I can’t hold back
My overwhelming need
To climax with you
Once more

18th January

I told myself
Life without you
Would be the easiest way
To survive
But I need your words
I long for your glances
I beg for your skin on mine
And I know one day
You’ll break my heart
Disappearing for good
But until then
I’m a lost little puppy
Trailing everywhere you go

22nd January

In your arms
I’m completely safe
Cocooned from the world
Protected from my head
My paranoia can’t get me
Whilst your warm embrace
Holds me tight
My brain can’t hurt me
And life can’t scare me
While I’m all curled up into you
You keep me strong
You keep me guarded
From all the danger out there

19th January

I need you

I always need you

I tell myself

That I'm not a woman

Who needs a man

And yet

I cling to you

Like there's no tomorrow

Like without you

I've lost a limb

But I'm okay with that

Because at least

I have you

21st January

To the people who say
Pain makes us human
Or it makes you feel alive:
Fuck you
Try to live every minute
Not knowing when the next flare up will come
Avoiding the simplest things
To allow basic movement
For the next day
Try having every muscle seize up
And fighting off spasms in public
To prevent the looks
And murmurs of ‘freak’
The complete loss of control
Of your own body
To the point all you can so is cry
Deal with being called a hypochondriac
And hold it’s all in your head
As the medical professionals do all they can
To fill you with drugs
Instead of helping find out what’s actually wrong
If pain makes us alive
Why is the only thing I long for
When it gets beyond the point of unbearable
Is death?
I wish for the days without the aches
And pray for the moments I can feel young
So I can be alive once more.

22nd January

Am I a victim of the world

Or a victim of myself

Is it my bad decisions that

Ruined my teenage years

Or the acts of others

There's moments when I feel

The blame falls on my own shoulders

I was naive

Dumb

Trusting

And yet there are others when I know

I did nothing wrong.

We live in a world

Where victims never know

Who was at fault

Because people tell us otherwise

We're not victims

We're sluts who deserved it

Because of our clothes

Or our make-up

We were drunk

So we must be to blame

For the actions of another

We led them on

By being polite or enjoying

The initial attention presented our way

We know ourselves we're not to blame

Yet it's drilled into our minds that

We must have done something

To provoke

To mislead

To engage

The monster who stamped us with the V label

Because they can't just be a monster

Just like we can't just be innocent.

22nd January

My mind wanders
And there you are
Sat waiting patiently
For me
Whenever my brain has a free millisecond
You fill the space completely
I can’t help but smile
When you’re in every thought
Looking at me with those eyes
A cheeky smirk sketched across your face
It helps me through
Every moment I’m not with you

26th January

Tell me you love me
For the millionth time
To keep my paranoia at bay
I fight my brain
Accusing you of lies
Cursing me for having feelings
And not being
Completely emotionless
I tell myself
My head is wrong
That I know you
And I know your heart
But please
Tell me you love me
Again

30th January

There’s days when I’m waiting
Anxiously
For you to realise
I’m not worth the effort
I’m paranoid that
The thought will click
And you’ll be gone in an instant
Bags packed
Never to return
I find myself
Fighting to keep you
And inevitably pushing you further away
With every little mess
I know I test your patience
With things mainly out of my control
As much as I want you to stay
I feel that eventually
You’ll decide I’m too fucked up
For you to cope with a second longer
And that no matter how much
We need each other
Life without me
Would just be easier
I want to plead
“Please don’t go”
But I’ve practically accepted
You deserve better
And I’m just waiting
For you to realise it too
Which leaves me filled
With existential dread
For the moment you do

31st January

I could sit up all day
And sit up all night
Because sleep without you
Is thoroughly impossible
I need your arms
Encasing me
Keeping me warm
To even feel
That gradual need of rest
Without it
My mind races
Preventing the call

31st January

Bad thoughts

Running through my head

Fighting the urge

To gouge my eyes out

To stop the flicker

Distracting my focus

I know you're not really here

But something in my brain

Is keeping you in place

Just to torture me

The PTSD is worsening

Because I seem to have opened a door

That had been locked for so long

Even your name sends a shiver

Deep into my soul

And haunts every second

I hope in the long run

This therapy will be worth

Opening the Pandora's box I buried

That is you

February

 

1st February

My head on your chest
And I’m home
As you caress my cheek
And pull me up for a kiss
This is all I need
To feel better
With your hand
Stroking my hair
I’m settled beyond content

4th February

When you’re not here
I count down the seconds
Until you return to me
And embrace my open arms
I feel lost
When you’re not by side
Centring me to the spot
And giving me a place
To truly belong

2nd February

My heart skips a beat
When I look into your eyes
And see the love
Reflecting back at me
Just knowing how you feel
Leaves me flustered
And makes me long
To be by your side
Until the end
Just so you can see
How I feel too

5th February

Sometimes I find it hard to say in words
Just how I feel
About you
As if the second the words are out
You’ll doubt them
Because they exist outside of our safe bubble
I’m sorry I’ve been raised
On cruelty above kindness
And how it has ruined my perception of life
So my honest lines may be tainted
But know in your heart
All I say is true
And I have never meant it more
When I say I love you

6th February

You are the best form of distraction
The type that puts a smile on my face
When nothing else seems to shake
My cold demeanour
The type that keeps my head busy
Every hour of the day
Blocking out everything bad
The type that makes me ache
To be physically with you
So you can distract me in person
Some more

7th February

I think I’ve found the perfect man
Someone to curl up with to a film
To stroke my hair when I need comfort
To kiss me sweetly before he leaves my side
To tell me he loves me
When I need those words the most
To sweet talk me and tease me
All in the same sentence
It just so happen
That my perfect man
Is you

8th February

Just let depression take me for a moment
It’ll be okay
He’s an old friend
Who I’ve danced with
For longer than I’d like
But as much as we step on each other’s toes
We both know
It’s not time to leave just yet
We’ll sway some more
Enjoying the dying atmosphere
Huddled close
Murmured whispers between
As the evening and crowd wear thin
Until the final song plays
The last notes echoing in the air
As the band pack away their instruments
And the caterers clean hard
We’ll applaud the good show
The other put on
For so long
Praising the final charade
And then we’ll go
Arm in arm
Wherever the wind blows

9th February

I wish our love didn’t feel
Like a crime
That we didn’t have to sneak
Through utter darkness
Just to be together
That we could go out
And be public
Not hidden in the shadows
There is nothing wrong
With loving you
But the guilt is overwhelming
Love is love
Not an offence
Even if it may hurt
The people we care for

10th February

Loving you
Came as naturally
As the sun rise
It just grew until it filled
My entire horizon brightly
And now I can’t imagine
A moment without you
Filling my world up
And pushing the darkness
To the shadows

12th February

I count down the days
Til I need to give you up
Until this love affair ends
Til you leave me for good
It could still be months
It could even be years
But my heart is constantly waiting
For you to break it
Because every ounce of me knows
Our ending is inevitable

13th February

My paranoia thrives
As every moment with you
Is tainted
Every stolen kiss
Every loving glance
I wish it would stop
Tarnishing every second of happiness
I have ever enjoyed
But the cruelest thing about depression
Is it devours everything in its path
To make sure it conquers
Every element of you
That stands in its way
In the end

14th February

I tell myself
I’m not the romantic type
And then I look at you
And all I want to do
Is spoil you rotten
And care for you
Every second of the day
Not wasting a moment at hand
With any other fuss
I never knew
I could love someone
So passionately
So wholly
So completely
But this Valentine’s day
Let me say
I love you so deeply
In every single way

18th February

I’m needy
To the point I ache for
Constant idolation
Attention
Activity
I can’t sit still without you near
My brain leaves my body
And I draw a blank
Until I’m once again by you

19th February

You always leave
A massive grin on my face
When I need it most
You’re my rock
My protector
The perfect counterweight I need
To my train wreck of a life
Even when the end seems nigh
And I’m out if balance
You keep me in my place
You keep me all right
No matter what bad times come
I know you’re always there
Making sure I survive
For another year

20th February

The blade along my inner arm
Tingles
It’s been so long
Since I felt the urge
To plunge metal into my flesh
My brain is urging me to stop
And think
While my hands are acting on their own
The tip of the blade tracing old lines
I can’t control it
Not anymore
I look at the pretty art
I’ve had decorated on my skin
As my brain begs
Pleads
Grasping at straws
Trying to pull me out of this pit
I’ve sunken into with all my weight
A moment of rationality
And my phone is ringing
The person I always call when
I’m close to the edge
When I’m about to do something dumb
I hit speaker phone
Not even attempting to hide the tears
“Mum, I need help. Please come,”
I cry
I know she’ll be here as soon as she can
“I’m on my way,”
I hear as the call cuts out
I throw the blade to the corner of the room
Hoping she’ll be there
Before I get the nerve
To get the blade once more
I curl up in a ball and wait
For that knock on my door
To tell me it’s all okay now
And that I’m safe
From my own self again

21st February

I lick my lips
Missing the taste
Of yours on mine
I squeeze myself tight
Remembering just how your arms feel
Pressing me against you
I think of your voice
Whenever I’m lonely in the silence
To remind me I’m not alone
I caress my bare skin
Just waiting for your warmth to tingle
The icicles that are my flesh
I smile to myself
Just remembering how you react
Whenever I press myself close and whisper
And the cycle repeats
Until you can do all those things
Again

15th February

If there was any way to free myself of this pain
I would take it
The physical and emotional turmoil
Isn’t quote my cup of tea
I feel like everything is out to get me
My body
My mind
My life
Because nothing ever flows right
I’m always being pushed further down the rapids
Without any chance of salvation
And it’s tempting to just see
If a great sharp rock
Could just end this for me
For once and for all
Before the waterfall does it for them

16th February

There is no one else
Who could fill the void
That you would leave
If we ended this now
I could try
And would repeatedly
Indisputably fail
As there is no one
That will ever fill my heart
As much as you do

16th February

I think I’ve found the perfect man
Someone to curl up with to a film
To stroke my hair when I need comfort
To kiss me sweetly before he leaves my side
To tell me he loves me
When I need those words the most
To sweet talk me and tease me
All in the same sentence
It just so happen
That my perfect man
Is you

22nd February

How do you feel knowing
You have complete control
Over my very being
A little whisper
And I’m all yours
Do with me what you will
And never let go

24th February

I wish I could make all the pain
Go away
You deserve so much better
Than this mess we live in
And I would do anything
To keep you happy
The world is toxic
But I would do everything
To keep you safe
I wish there were a cure
To the depressive cycle we live
But there is no such thing
At least I know
If I ever need it
That you’re here for me
So please just know
I’m here for you too

25th February

There are days
I wish the pain would end
So much so
I see my own death on a loop
But I know
I have to keep fighting
I need to stay here
For you
No matter how much I need to be free
Of the mortal cool I’m noosed with
I promised I wouldn’t leave
Until the grim reaper took my hand
In its own
So I need to wait
Either til you abandon me
Or until that day comes

27th February

I have lived a life without you
And I would happily
Never in my existence
Live that life again
The loneliness unbearable
The love lingering
Causing an eternal ache
As my heart turns brittle
Cracked
Useless
Until you pump life into it again

March

 

2nd March

Loving me
Has got to be
The hardest task
In the world
I’m falling apart physically
I’m completely broken mentally
Yet you stick around
Treating me like a princess
Whilst I act the fool
I cannot list a part of me
That works like it normally should
Yet you stay by me
Caring for me
As if it’s the easiest thing to do
I fear one day you’ll live without me
But I know I won’t live without you

5th March

There’s days I dream of suicide
And the only thing keeping me
From cutting down the river
Instead of along the stream
Is knowing you won’t keep going
Without me
I selfishly
Need you to keep living
Even if it means
I can’t kill myself

4th March

I wish
I lived in a world
Without paranoia
Eating and overindulging
On every fleeting thought
So my brain thinks
“He doesn’t love me”
For a millisecond
There is slight doubt
And the paranoia feasts
And devours that minute opinion
Until it is repeated
A few hundred thousand times
To the point the repetitive
Has become fact in my mind
Not fiction
And now I don’t know
If it’s real
Or if my insanity is taking
Full control

3rd March

I love you
But it’s okay
If you don’t love me
I would rather have
Blunt honesty
Than lies repeated softly
I care and will always care
No matter where you are
Because you were the first person
To steal my heart
And that I’ll always hold dear

6th March

I get withdrawals
And start to need you close
After a couple of hours without you
That’s when I miss you most
When I can still remember
The tingling of your fingertips
Your breath upon my neck
And the sweet taste of your lips
Come get back by me
I need you here
Keeping me warm
And holding me near

9th March

I know you love me
I’ve seen the way you smile
When I glance your way
And I know how you pull me tight
Not wanting to let go
I just love being reminded
A few million times
So I know it is not a dream
And this is real
Since you know
How much I love you too

14th March

​I wish I could lay on you
All day long
Inhaling your sweet smell
I’m like a cat with catnip
I just want to bask in it
When I need to feel you close to me
And remember I am yours

15th March

You’ve made the first move
Since day 1
I’ve mimicked every movement
Hoping they’ll lead
To somewhere worthwhile
And from that first kiss
Our adventure together
Has led me to just one conclusion
You’re the only future I need

16th March

I could write you
A million poems
For a million days
The words may change
But the feelings never will
Because, baby, all that matters
Is how much I love you

17th March

If I could
I’d never leave your side
I’d stay by you
Until you were sick of my company
As I never want you
To feel as alone
As I do when you’re not near

18th March

Sometimes I feel
Loving you is like an addiction
I can’t get enough
No matter how much I take
I’m always aching for a fix
And it feels like
Complete ecstasy
Eternal bliss
When I get it
But a few hours later I’m fixing for more
And if I can’t have it
Right there, right then
I’m going cold turkey til I get some
I could wean myself off
Bite my lips til they’re bloody
Go stone cold sober
No exceptions
But then the cold harsh reality
Will burst the bubble
Of the happiness I have
When I’m with you

28th March

I have severe depression
And sometimes it means
I want to slam my head
Against the wall;
Or I want to scream until
My lips are blue;
Or I want toxic comments
Sludging from my mouth
Ruining others
Like my brain has ruined me;
Or I want to overindulge
In life’s little things
Because my money is just
1s and 0s on a screen;
It means sometimes
I want to open my wrists
And watch the streams trickle
Until they run no more;
It also means
There’s days I just want to cry
And blame the world for it all;
All I know about my depression is
No day is exactly the same
There are times when I want love and support
And there are days when I want to be left alone completely to the point I doubt my existence.
There are days when the medication works
And days when I wish I could just pop them all and be ok
But all that matters is
I know I’m not alone when I need help
I know I’m not abandoned when I want love
And I know I’m always going to be given a reason

April

 

6th April

I perch my head

Delicately on your chest

Listening to the rhythm

It beats

Just for me

The thunder it causes

As I kiss you lightly

The racing that comes

Before I say those three words

And then as I whisper

I love you

Exploding inside

24th April

We're two meteors colliding in the sky

Our collison may be

Hot and fiery

But we break beyond repair

Permanently fragmented

Only to plummet and destroy

All that is left in our wake

18th April

Sometimes

I wonder what my life would be

If you were not by my side

And all I see

Is a terrible darkness

An absolute blackness

An abyss waiting to suck me in

The instant you are gone

No escape

No salvation

Just complete emptiness

A neverending void

Isolated

It makes me grateful

Euphoric

To know you are still here

To keep me from what can only be

The end

May

 

2nd May

Devil take me

To a better place

Somewhere more worthy

Of being called home

11th May

I want to help

But can't

My own brain is wrecked

With pain, with sorrow

I can't focus on anything

Or anyone else

But if I could

I just wish

I could take your pain away

Even if it meant

Piling on my own

But at this point

I'm buried

Down too deep

To help anyone

At all

21st May

You're cancerous

In the way that I remove you

But you come back fighting

Mutated

No matter how many times

I cut my feelings for you away

They'll return with more energy than I can fathom

To the point I'm so run down

From the constant fight

That I give in

And just let myself fall deep again

 

June

7th June

I get jealous

And I feel the urge

To withhold my love

My affection

Because though you have done nothing

In my head

It is all your fault

This anger

This loathing, including the self variety

Because stupidly

I let you steal my heart

21st June

I'm struggling to write

Because the voices in my head

Can only see one ending

And that seems to be me

With a very nice knot

Pressed deeply into my neck

With a buckled stool below me

And a purple face left permanently gasping

29th June

Into the bad place

I dissolve

Only the words

Resonate

Physically safe

Emotionally turmoiled

July

 

6th July

I tell you I love you

And have told you for so long

I wonder if it ever truly stopped

As much as I tried to convince

Every nerve in my brain that

I had moved on

Maybe if I hadn't

Disappeared every time things got rough

It would all be different

And we could actually be

As happy as we make each other

For more than a few hours

At every stolen moment

18th July

Depression

Is hungry

Its appetite

Practically insatiable

Devouring every minute insecurity

Consuming every second of doubt

Indulging in every trauma or

Embarrassment

It remains unsatisfied

Until only bones are left

24th July

I try to fathom

The best words to sum up

All the anguish

All the torment

Engulfing my insides

Lonely doesn't cover it

Depressed is an understatement

Suicidal brands me as a risk

Which I'm not

Not currently

"I guess I'm just low"

I mumble

Hoping the doctor stops asking

That stupid question

For once

August

 

12th August

Sometimes writing
Drains every morsel
Out of my very being
But the word needs to be out
And flying free
To keep me sane
Just enough to cope

17th August

"I'm fine"

The lies splutter from my lips

Fine isn't something

I ever remember feeling

"I'm okay"

I smile fraudulently

Pretending my world isn't collapsing

Crumbling before my eyes

"I'll live"

The phrase echoing

While my head whispers

"Maybe not this time"

25th August

Wake up

Take a pill

To fix my broken head.

Eat

Take a pill

To ease my inflamed organs.

Move and function normally

Take a pill

To stop the ache in my decrepit muscles.

Try to sleep

Fail

Take a pill

Repeat tomorrow.

September

 

6th September

Help me forget

Because this level of happiness

Was so explicably not meant

For my consumption

And withdrawal feels like

My heart being shattered

Once more

18th September

I want your name

Etched on my skin

Scratched down to the bone

So I always remember the pain

I wilfully accepted

When I am nothing but a memory

To you

24th September

I fought the urge

For a decade

But now my palms are itchy

My mind is demanding

My skin is begging

For the first time

In what feels like too long

I gave in

And I let the cold slip of metal

Draw on my skin

Until it started to ache

Like the rest of me

October

 

2nd October

One little cut

That's all it took

To get me remembering

How this is all

I will ever be able

To control

Nothing else

Nothing more

Just this physical act

I commit on myself

12th October

Another year older

Another year hungrier

My lust for you

Insatiable

I'm addicted

Beyond repair

And for this addiction

I want no fix

November

 

22nd November

I wish

For a second

We could live

In the dreams

To be happy

To be free

To be each other's

To just be you and me

But then I remember

That fate isn't kind

And our seconds

Fleeting by

Beyond our control

Out of sight

Out of mind

The spell broken

By the smallest of cries

As you leave me to sing

Rockabye

30th November

Fighting my thoughts

I try to pretend

Just for a day

I'm fine

Even if

All I want

Is to curl up

A vodka in my hand

With the world

Set alight around me

December

 

14th December

You are

The reason I wake

The reason I breathe

The reason I remain

The reason I need

You are

The smile on my lips

The twinkle in my eye

You are

The beating of my heart

As you're nearby

You are

The only thing I ever think

No matter the day or time

You are

The love songs that stick in my head

The sweetness of their rhyme

You are 

The reason I'm not scared

Of ever being alone

Because I know no matter what

You are always my home

You are

The person I love so dear

And hold so close and true

You my amazing love

Are all I need

Honestly, just you

31st December

Next year

Will be better

I lie to myself

Waiting

As the seconds tick by

Until it's end

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