5th January

I know that

Inevitably

Depression will be my end

Maybe not today

Tomorrow, or a decade from now

But the sharpest knives

Of the words filling my brain

Will pull me under

Until I give in

Let the thoughts take over

And end the existence I know

8th January

I love you

The words splutter from my mouth forcefully

So fierce they could knock you flying

After all this time, my heart still races

Trapezes

Catapults

Explodes

Just hearing your voice

Reading your messages

Looking into your enticing eyes

Feeling you next to me

Is my utter perfection

14th January

I look at you
And I see the person I want to be
Sweet and caring
Confident and proud
Loud and plucky
The person you look to
For help
For the plan
For ideas
And then I look in the mirror
And remember just how silent
My tongue can be
As soon as I’m surrounded by
More than me, myself and I
I long for a time
When anxiety won’t reduce me
To a mute
Or a blithering baboon
When I’m asked to vocalise
Even a word
But I doubt that day will come

21st January

To the people who say
Pain makes us human
Or it makes you feel alive:
Fuck you
Try to live every minute
Not knowing when the next flare up will come
Avoiding the simplest things
To allow basic movement
For the next day
Try having every muscle seize up
And fighting off spasms in public
To prevent the looks
And murmurs of ‘freak’
The complete loss of control
Of your own body
To the point all you can so is cry
Deal with being called a hypochondriac
And hold it’s all in your head
As the medical professionals do all they can
To fill you with drugs
Instead of helping find out what’s actually wrong
If pain makes us alive
Why is the only thing I long for
When it gets beyond the point of unbearable
Is death?
I wish for the days without the aches
And pray for the moments I can feel young
So I can be alive once more.

22nd January

Am I a victim of the world

Or a victim of myself

Is it my bad decisions that

Ruined my teenage years

Or the acts of others

There's moments when I feel

The blame falls on my own shoulders

I was naive

Dumb

Trusting

And yet there are others when I know

I did nothing wrong.

​

We live in a world

Where victims never know

Who was at fault

Because people tell us otherwise

We're not victims

We're sluts who deserved it

Because of our clothes

Or our make-up

We were drunk

So we must be to blame

For the actions of another

We led them on

By being polite or enjoying

The initial attention presented our way

We know ourselves we're not to blame

Yet it's drilled into our minds that

We must have done something

To provoke

To mislead

To engage

The monster who stamped us with the V label

Because they can't just be a monster

Just like we can't just be innocent.

5th February

Sometimes I find it hard to say in words
Just how I feel
About you
As if the second the words are out
You’ll doubt them
Because they exist outside of our safe bubble
I’m sorry I’ve been raised
On cruelty above kindness
And how it has ruined my perception of life
So my honest lines may be tainted
But know in your heart
All I say is true
And I have never meant it more
When I say I love you

6th February

You are the best form of distraction
The type that puts a smile on my face
When nothing else seems to shake
My cold demeanour
The type that keeps my head busy
Every hour of the day
Blocking out everything bad
The type that makes me ache
To be physically with you
So you can distract me in person
Some more

13th February

My paranoia thrives
As every moment with you
Is tainted
Every stolen kiss
Every loving glance
I wish it would stop
Tarnishing every second of happiness
I have ever enjoyed
But the cruelest thing about depression
Is it devours everything in its path
To make sure it conquers
Every element of you
That stands in its way
In the end

21st February

I lick my lips
Missing the taste
Of yours on mine
I squeeze myself tight
Remembering just how your arms feel
Pressing me against you
I think of your voice
Whenever I’m lonely in the silence
To remind me I’m not alone
I caress my bare skin
Just waiting for your warmth to tingle
The icicles that are my flesh
I smile to myself
Just remembering how you react
Whenever I press myself close and whisper
And the cycle repeats
Until you can do all those things
Again

9th March

I know you love me
I’ve seen the way you smile
When I glance your way
And I know how you pull me tight
Not wanting to let go
I just love being reminded
A few million times
So I know it is not a dream
And this is real
Since you know
How much I love you too

28th March

I have severe depression
And sometimes it means
I want to slam my head
Against the wall;
Or I want to scream until
My lips are blue;
Or I want toxic comments
Sludging from my mouth
Ruining others
Like my brain has ruined me;
Or I want to overindulge
In life’s little things
Because my money is just
1s and 0s on a screen;
It means sometimes
I want to open my wrists
And watch the streams trickle
Until they run no more;
It also means
There’s days I just want to cry
And blame the world for it all;
All I know about my depression is
No day is exactly the same
There are times when I want love and support
And there are days when I want to be left alone completely to the point I doubt my existence.
There are days when the medication works
And days when I wish I could just pop them all and be ok
But all that matters is
I know I’m not alone when I need help
I know I’m not abandoned when I want love
And I know I’m always going to be given a reason

18th April

Sometimes

I wonder what my life would be

If you were not by my side

And all I see

Is a terrible darkness

An absolute blackness

An abyss waiting to suck me in

The instant you are gone

No escape

No salvation

Just complete emptiness

A neverending void

Isolated

It makes me grateful

Euphoric

To know you are still here

To keep me from what can only be

The end

2nd May

Devil take me

To a better place

Somewhere more worthy

Of being called home

29th June

Into the bad place

I dissolve

Only the words

Resonate

Physically safe

Emotionally turmoiled

12th August

Sometimes writing
Drains every morsel
Out of my very being
But the word needs to be out
And flying free
To keep me sane
Just enough to cope