2020
January
1st January
To all the men
Who've hurt me
I may forgive
But I do not forget
Your actions deeply cut
Into the skin and bones
I wear
But each day I breathe
I remember
I would hold no strength
Without you.
​
Without your lingering gazes
And wandering hands
Even to the utterance of 'No'
I would not know
I can stand up
For myself
Kicking and screaming
If I need to.
​
Without the heartbreak
And tears you left
I would not know
That though it hurts
And it feels like dying
I can live on alone.
​
Without your lies
And broken promises
I would not know
That not everyone
Is worth the trust
I give.
​
Without your critique
The scarring words
And judgemental tones
I would not know
How easy it can be
To just carry on
Even through the fight of
How sexist this world
Will always be.
​
Now I know
Just how to survive
In a world still run by men
So thank you daddy
My abusers
My so-called friends
Because I still live
And I will never
Forget.
21st January
Today I make
A promise to me
I promise
No man
No woman
No other thing
Will ever stop me
From loving
Myself
Again
23rd January
When I look in the mirror
All I see
Are the things
That I need to change
To feel better
About me
The scabby skin
And spots galore
And greasy mane
Entangled and sore
The lumps and bumps
And all the fat
From my face
Right to the twat
I tell myself
That one day
I will love what
I see
But I know that day
I won't be me
29th January
Even
My best of days
End with thoughts
Of anguish
And torment
As no matter
How much I plea
The darkness
Refuses to free me
From the bird
It h0lds me in
And coaxes me
With the sweet tastes
It brings in tow
To keep me
Subdued
For now
3rd January
Those four letters
Could change the world
If more people
Accepted it
With open arms
And welcoming hearts
Instead of
Publicly degrading
Abusing
Hurting
People who see it
Differently in their own way
Why should they
Be punished
For things out of
Their ability to control
Just because
You can't stand it
When their love takes
A different direction
To your own?
Love is love.
No matter what.
4th January
My heart races
From the second
You're by my side
To the moment
You leave
Where it remains
Stagnant
Until you return
Once more
6th January
Complicated
Doesn't quite sum up
Everything ongoing
Through my life
And racing through
My mind
I wish it were all
As simple
As my feelings
For you
9th January
I find it
Funny
How much effort
Time
Energy
I still put into you
A decade may have
Passed right by
But this pit of hatred
Still burns
Fierce
I just hope
It extinguishes
Before I'm engulfed
By flames
Of my own making
15th January
I can't
Forget
As much as I
Try
And I only
Allow myself
To forgive
Partially
But I can
Accept
What happened
A drunken mistake
That went
Too far
But not far enough
To die over
I don't cry
Anymore
And I can
Live on
Through it all
I just hope
You can too
Because my conscience
As miniscule as it is
Could not take
Any more fragility
Without an overdue
Shatter
10th January
I expect nothing
While you want
The world
On a silver platter
The type you think
A man like you deserves
Respect for me
Is lacking
Love for me
Is gone
I am expected to be
The trophy wife
Yet I am not one
I am a woman
Of words and wit
With a tongue sharper
Than your bitter tit
I expect for you
Nothing
As that is all
You give
So I will give you
The same
Back with more
To spare
14th January
I remember
The old days
Our little 'dates'
Where we just
Curled up together
Films playing
Unwatched
In the background
As we talked
Utter nonsense
For hours on end
Snacks piled high
I miss those
Our best days
They may be gone
But least
I still have you
18th January
I don't know
Why I do this
Because
At the end
No one cares
Enough
To see who I
Truly am
Inside
25th January
It is impossible
To love you
Without a sprinkle
Of pain
Amongst our pleasure
As we are not
Starcrossed lovers
But the devils
Idle playthings
And no matter
What we do in life
We will bring
Each other torture
As long as we're
Together
30th January
Our hearts beat
In sync
Our minds completely
Forever linked
Without you
I am merely half
Unable to function
Unable to laugh
But with you
I could walk on air
​
17th January
We are two broken toys
Fractured by our past
To the point
We're beyond repair
Yet we still manage
To function
As much as we wish
That our mechanisms
Will finally rust over
And end the pain
Of being too broken
To exist
27th January
The fire burns
And torches
Everything
In its' wake
Until the only thing
Still alight
Is our lust
28th January
Tick
The seconds pass
Tock
Slowly, so slowly
Tick
To the point
Tock
I'm contemplating
Tick
Actually working hard
Tock
For once in my life
Tick
To ease the boredom
Tock
Creeping on me
5th January
Can we go
Back to when
The love was still felt
Pouring out of
Every pore
And breath?
Instead of the
Arguments
The fights
The jealousy
The bitterness
That came with
Growing older?
Let's go back
To before the doubt
And before the aches
To the place
Where we agreed
That this is what
We lived for
And planned to live for
Forever
As I do not wish
To lose you
Just yet
11th January
Hope
Is all that keeps me
Alive
Awake
Feeling
Hope that your love
Is as real as mine
Hope that you
Will never leave
Hope that no matter what
I always have you
Here with me
12th January
You kept me
From the pain
And the sadness
You hid me
From the hurt
And the cruel
You saved me
From the bitter
And the poison
You protected me
From the lies
And the comments
But unfortunately
When that bubble
Imploded
So do I
16th January
I fight the thoughts
But no self-reassurance
Can keep me from
The inevitable
Spiral
That will plummet me
Down to the furthest
Bleakest point
In my mind
Where only
Darkness thrives
22nd January
Paranoia ruins
My daily thoughts
Of you
It makes me doubt
And worry
And keeps me
Anxious to the bone
And I'm walking
On eggshells
With my own mind
Scared that one day
What the darkest parts
Conjure
Will finally come
26th January
A day with you
Is better than
Anything
My brain can fathom
As when it's just
Me and you
I don't care
About anything
Or anyone else
February
1st February
I want
Your name
Etched on my flesh
To keep you
Close to me
Always
3rd February
I always wondered
What it meant
To give your heart
Away
Until I met you.
​
To you
I give all my trust
And all my patience
Even when it is barely there.
​
To you
I give all my smiles
And all my tears
For all the moments passing by.
​
To you
I give all my future
And all our past
To keep us moving on.
​
To you
I give all my heart
And all else
Because you are
The one.
2nd February
Every day
My heart beats
Every day
My brain thinks
Every day
My body moves
But only you
Can stop all three
Dead
In their tracks
With just a
Moment's glance
4th February
My favourite place
My bed
You by my side
One hand on my hip
The other stroking my hair
Whispering sweet nothings
Into my ear
Your lips on my cheek
My lips, my forehead, my neck
Touching every bare surface
Where they can connect
Little loving pecks
Making my heart flutter
And my cheeks blush
Reminding me
You love me
Now and forever
5th February
For the longest time
I was alone
Afraid
Scared of my
Very own shadow
But then
In you came
My savior
With your guiding light
To keep me safe
From the dark
6th February
The kind of heat
That you cause
And the temptation
You stir
Makes me need
To pin you down
My hands pressed hard
Into your chest
So you know
You're just mine
21st February
I wake up
Hoping
Wishing
It's all a nightmare
A stupid dream
Slumber wouldn't let me
Escape
But looking in the mirror
I note my swollen eyes
And I know
Without even pressing
That it's all true
29th February
One day
I will leave
With no remnants
Stuck behind
To say I lived
Unfortunately
That is just
The cruelty of our
Existence
So we must
We need to
Appreciate
Each minute
While we still have
All the time
In our reach
Before it's slipped
Like sand
Through our fingertips
March
2nd March
I drag my feet
Trying to avoid
The inevitable
The hanging noose
Swinging in the breeze
Waiting to caress
My pearly white neck
I mutter my prayers
As the hangman leers
His eyes tracing
My every footfall
Inch by inch
I step closer to fate
Wishing the floor
Would sink beneath me
Or the skies
Would open blemishing
The festivities below
The people gathered
Waiting
Eyes glaring
The murmurs on their lips
Witch
Hag
Satan's whore
As they hungrily await
My last breath
To fill their insatiable need
For death
10th March
I must always
Remind myself
If you don't push
If you step back
If you ignore chances
If you let opportunities
Slip right through
Your open hands
There is only
You
To blame
And that is why
You don't
Achieve
If you just sit
And wait
31st March
My heart
Breaks
Being kept
So far away
From my blood
My family
My loves
I wish
I had spent
Longer
With them all
Before
We were told
Not to.
​
Isolation
Splits me away
Keeps me distant
Loneliness
Awakens
Insomnia no longer
Dormant
Boredom drums
Through my core
I'm trapped
Like a tigress
Stuck in a cage
Waiting to strike
For the chance
To be free
A walk is nothing
When even your
Inner self
Feels bound.
25th March
Day after day
Night after night
I expect
The other shoe
To drop
For you to realise
You're too good
For me
The broken woman
With more issues
Than a high-end magazine
I sit as the clock
Ticks slowly by
And yet
Here you still are
Am I wrong
To wait for this
End that may never come
Just because
In my head
My paranoia has played
You leaving
A thousand times?
I feel pathetic
Needing reassurance
That this is real
And permanent
And I can only blame
The past for leaving me
With little to no
Confidence
16th April
Every day
I fight the urge
To crawl back
Back into bed
As while the world
Sleeps
I cannot
I rush to ready
Grab my mask
And go about my work day
As if nothing ever changed
As if the planet
Is still functioning
Without people
Shut away
I did not sign up
To work a pandemic
But my job left me
Without much choice
April
May
5th May
Stop
Just stop
Stop making me want to
Scream
And yell
And pull my hair out
5th May
Without you
My heart breaks
Every fragment shattering
Every shatter blistering
Every blister crumbling
Every crumble exploding
The cycle continuing
Until the butterfly effect
Leaves nothing more than dust
To be melted and shaped
As my heart once more
Once you are in my grasp
5th May
Every day
I think of your kisses
The little smile
That lingers
When you lean in close
The smell of your deodorant
Clung to my skin
Marking me
As yours
And yours alone
My heart flutters
Thinking of the way
You take my hand
And hold it tight
As we lie in each other's arms
Hoping to escape the world
For one second more.
​
I live for our moments
And memories
Every kiss
Every taste
Every touch
You are my dream
My reality
My all.
7th May
You listen too close
And they'll taint
Your thoughts
No longer do you see
The world as it is
Or true fact
Instead of their
Propaganda
You cannot see
The flaws
In their mastermind plans
That will only work
To benefit the Sterling
Instead of man
The inevitable will come
More will perish
But it's okay
The businesses will live
Some might thrive
Whilst the impoverished suffer
From the one percent's greed
But don't worry
At least you clapped
For the NHS
Who'll continue to serve and fall
When wave two wrecks Britain
And leads to more deaths
Just because BoJo
Not a medical professional
By any means
Not even an intelligent man
An idiot who nearly died
After ignoring his own advice
Decided it was time
To end the lockdown
Early
10th May
My lips tingle
With anticipation
Desperate to linger
Firmly on yours
After the drought
Of affection
Living two separate lives
Has caused
11th May
The days I wish
The pain would end
Are the days I hope
For death
Since pills don't help
Physio aches
And the other side
Feels like a myth
But I keep
Moving forward
And hoping
Maybe one day
All this pain
Will just be gone
And I can be
Just normal again
11th May
Isolation
Seen as punishment
Not protection
Not a method
To end the spread
To keep the living
Alive
But as a way
For the government
To control
Its' people.
So many conspiracies
Lit by idiotic sparks
And engulfing the minds
Of manipulatable masses.
Just stay home
Stay safe
And stop to think.
Does sunbathing and drinking
Really matter
When thousands are dead
And dying
Just because
You're bored at home?
Is it worth giving
Your mother a hug
If it infects her
Since you could be
A host for the bugs?
11th May
I've lost days
Hours
Minutes
Isolation glues
Deceived
Time becomes oblique
In the incessant cycle
Our fragile lives
Have become
12th May
I try hard
To convince my brain
That all the pains
And aches
And feeling drained
Will be over soon
But as the days add up
I've lost hope
I'll feel normal
Again
13th May
The words I hear
On the tips of leaves
And petals
Tease my heart
14th May
I can't forget
Not for a second
How my heart races
When you graze my skin
How my breath catches
When you squeeze my hand
How my cheeks flush
When you use your words
To make me feel pretty
How my world feels
Complete
When I'm in your arms
Tight
I just hope
You can't forget it
Too
15th May
One deep harsh breath
Before the plunge
A shudder runs
From head to toe
My body already rejecting
The prospect
But I must get over it
I have to
So I must take that step
Even if a shiver of fear
Spreads throughout my core
Chilling every nerve
It can reach
I can't let this
Stop me further
I must let this paranoia go
18th May
Remind me
That you love me
Whilst my brain is
Screaming lies
I need your words
To ease the paranoia
Raging through my thoughts
I need your words
To keep me fighting
To remind me I have
A choice
I need your words
To sustain my heart
To save it from further cracking
I need your words
To help me keep
The motivation to keep
Ticking
18th May
Words are hard
Complex
Complicated
Ruthless
to the point
The wrong words spoken
Can cripple the many
Influence the mighty
And cause disaster
In their wake
And yet
We still let
White rich men speak
On diversity
Poverty
And problems they would
Never face
Thanks to their privilege
Of a milky skintone
And a shaft
Between their legs
18th May
I'm trapped in a shell
I can't escape
And all my realities
Are figments
Conjured
By my deep down need
For happiness and love
But what is happy
When I can't feel
Anything but this
Tightening pain
As the shell is crushed
With me stuck inside
18th May
Ah yes
Hello paranoia
My co-pilot
My assistant
My partner
On my journey
Of self-hatred
Fuelling the flames
That burn
Malignantly
Never allowing
A brief flicker of
Extinguishing
Until I am scorched
And scorned
Beyond recognition
When only you
Remain
19th May
Once again
I feel the fears
Eating at my insides
The anxiety pulling
At every loose thread
Of my sanity
Turning my stomach
Into utter chaos
All traces of an appetite
Gone
As the racing of my heart
And the heaviness of my chest
Weigh me down
Dragging me deep below
The surface of
Self-loathing
Drowning me in doubt
25th May
Memories fade
Corrupt
Alter
Change
Facts become false
Falses become fact
Until the memory
Is just a fragment
Of truth
Buried beneath fantasy
Because there's less pain
In the fiction
Our minds invent
To try to keep us
Sane
June
1st June
My heart bleeds
And I tell myself
I cannot bear this pain
Once more
The loss
Is too great
Too strong
Too much
It hurts
To think of you
Even once my heart
Starts to heal
Nothing will ever feel
Like my love for you
Again
It won't fix
The wound you left
Behind
But I don't ever
Want anything
To fill the hole
You left
30th June
The overwhelming panic
Hits
Thunders
As I struggle
Gasping for air
My chest
Constricting
Panting escaping
My icy blue lips
Once a rosy pink
All my colour
Draining until I'm translucent
I feel lightheaded
Faint
Nauseated
All the while I choke
With all of my body
Praying for the second
I'm able to breathe
2nd July
My heart races
As I feel your breath
Tickling my cheek
And your hands
Firmly gripping my hips
Your lips whispering
Intently, passionately
A collection of sweet nothings
Flushing my once-pale face
Bright crimson
Just out of my reach
A smirk reaching your
Enchanting eyes
Teasing me beyond belief
Since you know
I will not budge
Until you kiss me
Goodnight