2020

January

1st January

To all the men 

Who've hurt me

I may forgive

But I do not forget

Your actions deeply cut

Into the skin and bones

I wear

But each day I breathe

I remember

I would hold no strength

Without you.

Without your lingering gazes

And wandering hands

Even to the utterance of 'No'

I would not know

I can stand up

For myself

Kicking and screaming

If I need to.

Without the heartbreak

And tears you left

I would not know

That though it hurts

And it feels like dying

I can live on alone.

Without your lies

And broken promises

I would not know

That not everyone

Is worth the trust

I give.

Without your critique

The scarring words

And judgemental tones

I would not know

How easy it can be

To just carry on

Even through the fight of

How sexist this world

Will always be.

Now I know

Just how to survive

In a world still run by men

So thank you daddy

My abusers

My so-called friends

Because I still live

And I will never

Forget.

 

21st January

Today I make

A promise to me

I promise

No man

No woman

No other thing

Will ever stop me

From loving

Myself

Again

23rd January

When I look in the mirror

All I see

Are the things

That I need to change

To feel better

About me

The scabby skin

And spots galore

And greasy mane

Entangled and sore

The lumps and bumps

And all the fat

From my face

Right to the twat

I tell myself

That one day

I will love what

I see

But I know that day

I won't be me

29th January

Even

My best of days

End with thoughts

Of anguish

And torment

As no matter

How much I plea

The darkness

Refuses to free me

From the bird

It h0lds me in

And coaxes me

With the sweet tastes

It brings in tow

To keep me

Subdued

For now

3rd January

Those four letters

Could change the world

If more people

Accepted it

With open arms

And welcoming hearts

Instead of

Publicly degrading

Abusing

Hurting

People who see it

Differently in their own way

Why should they

Be punished

For things out of 

Their ability to control

Just because

You can't stand it

When their love takes

A different direction

To your own?

Love is love.

No matter what.

4th January

My heart races

From the second

You're by my side

To the moment

You leave

Where it remains

Stagnant

Until you return

Once more

6th January

Complicated

Doesn't quite sum up

Everything ongoing

Through my life

And racing through

My mind

I wish it were all

As simple

As my feelings

For you

9th January

I find it

Funny

How much effort

Time

Energy

I still put into you

A decade may have

Passed right by

But this pit of hatred

Still burns

Fierce

I just hope

It extinguishes

Before I'm engulfed

By flames

Of my own making

15th January

I can't

Forget

As much as I

Try

And I only

Allow myself

To forgive

Partially

But I can

Accept

What happened

A drunken mistake

That went

Too far

But not far enough

To die over

I don't cry

Anymore

And I can

Live on

Through it all

I just hope

You can too

Because my conscience

As miniscule as it is

Could not take

Any more fragility

Without an overdue

Shatter

10th January

I expect nothing

While you want

The world

On a silver platter

The type you think

A man like you deserves

Respect for me

Is lacking

Love for me

Is gone

I am expected to be

The trophy wife

Yet I am not one

I am a woman

Of words and wit

With a tongue sharper

Than your bitter tit

I expect for you

Nothing

As that is all

You give

So I will give you

The same

Back with more

To spare

14th January

I remember

The old days

Our little 'dates'

Where we just

Curled up together

Films playing

Unwatched

In the background

As we talked

Utter nonsense

For hours on end

Snacks piled high

I miss those

Our best days

They may be gone

But least

I still have you

18th January

I don't know

Why I do this

Because

At the end

No one cares

Enough

To see who I

Truly am

Inside

25th January

It is impossible

To love you

Without a sprinkle

Of pain

Amongst our pleasure

As we are not

Starcrossed lovers

But the devils

Idle playthings

And no matter

What we do in life

We will bring

Each other torture

As long as we're

Together

30th January

Our hearts beat

In sync

Our minds completely

Forever linked

Without you

I am merely half

Unable to function

Unable to laugh

But with you

I could walk on air

17th January

We are two broken toys

Fractured by our past

To the point

We're beyond repair

Yet we still manage

To function

As much as we wish

That our mechanisms

Will finally rust over

And end the pain

Of being too broken

To exist

27th January

The fire burns

And torches

Everything

In its' wake

Until the only thing

Still alight

Is our lust

28th January

Tick

The seconds pass

Tock

Slowly, so slowly

Tick

To the point

Tock

I'm contemplating

Tick

Actually working hard

Tock

For once in my life

Tick

To ease the boredom

Tock

Creeping on me

5th January

Can we go

Back to when

The love was still felt

Pouring out of

Every pore

And breath?

Instead of the

Arguments

The fights

The jealousy

The bitterness

That came with

Growing older?

Let's go back

To before the doubt

And before the aches

To the place

Where we agreed

That this is what

We lived for

And planned to live for

Forever

As I do not wish

To lose you

Just yet

11th January

Hope

Is all that keeps me

Alive

Awake

Feeling

Hope that your love

Is as real as mine

Hope that you

Will never leave

Hope that no matter what

I always have you

Here with me

12th January

You kept me

From the pain

And the sadness

You hid me

From the hurt

And the cruel

You saved me

From the bitter

And the poison

You protected me

From the lies

And the comments

But unfortunately

When that bubble

Imploded

So do I

16th January

I fight the thoughts

But no self-reassurance

Can keep me from

The inevitable

Spiral

That will plummet me

Down to the furthest

Bleakest point

In my mind

Where only

Darkness thrives

22nd January

Paranoia ruins

My daily thoughts

Of you

It makes me doubt

And worry

And keeps me

Anxious to the bone

And I'm walking

On eggshells

With my own mind

Scared that one day

What the darkest parts

Conjure

Will finally come

26th January

A day with you

Is better than

Anything

My brain can fathom

As when it's just

Me and you

I don't care

About anything

Or anyone else

February

 

1st February

I want

Your name

Etched on my flesh

To keep you

Close to me

Always

3rd February

I always wondered

What it meant

To give your heart

Away

Until I met you.

To you

I give all my trust

And all my patience

Even when it is barely there.

To you

I give all my smiles

And all my tears

For all the moments passing by.

To you

I give all my future

And all our past

To keep us moving on.

To you

I give all my heart

And all else

Because you are

The one.

2nd February

Every day

My heart beats

Every day

My brain thinks

Every day

My body moves

But only you

Can stop all three

Dead

In their tracks

With just a

Moment's glance

4th February

My favourite place

My bed

You by my side

One hand on my hip

The other stroking my hair

Whispering sweet nothings

Into my ear

Your lips on my cheek

My lips, my forehead, my neck

Touching every bare surface

Where they can connect

Little loving pecks

Making my heart flutter

And my cheeks blush

Reminding me

You love me

Now and forever

5th February

For the longest time

I was alone

Afraid

Scared of my

Very own shadow

But then

In you came

My savior

With your guiding light

To keep me safe

From the dark

6th February

The kind of heat

That you cause

And the temptation

You stir

Makes me need

To pin you down

My hands pressed hard

Into your chest

So you know

You're just mine

21st February

I wake up

Hoping

Wishing

It's all a nightmare

A stupid dream

Slumber wouldn't let me

Escape

But looking in the mirror

I note my swollen eyes

And I know

Without even pressing

That it's all true

29th February

One day

I will leave

With no remnants

Stuck behind

To say I lived

Unfortunately

That is just

The cruelty of our

Existence

So we must

We need to

Appreciate

Each minute

While we still have

All the time

In our reach

Before it's slipped

Like sand

Through our fingertips

March

2nd March

I drag my feet

Trying to avoid

The inevitable

The hanging noose

Swinging in the breeze

Waiting to caress

My pearly white neck

I mutter my prayers

As the hangman leers

His eyes tracing

My every footfall

Inch by inch

I step closer to fate

Wishing the floor

Would sink beneath me

Or the skies

Would open blemishing

The festivities below

The people gathered

Waiting

Eyes glaring

The murmurs on their lips

Witch

Hag

Satan's whore

As they hungrily await

My last breath

To fill their insatiable need

For death

10th March

I must always

Remind myself

If you don't push

If you step back

If you ignore chances

If you let opportunities

Slip right through

Your open hands

There is only 

You

To blame

And that is why

You don't

Achieve

If you just sit

And wait

31st March

My heart

Breaks

Being kept

So far away

From my blood

My family

My loves

I wish

I had spent

Longer

With them all

Before

We were told

Not to.

Isolation

Splits me away

Keeps me distant

Loneliness

Awakens

Insomnia no longer

Dormant

Boredom drums

Through my core

I'm trapped

Like a tigress

Stuck in a cage

Waiting to strike

For the chance

To be free

A walk is nothing

When even your

Inner self

Feels bound.

25th March

Day after day

Night after night

I expect

The other shoe

To drop

For you to realise

You're too good 

For me

The broken woman

With more issues

Than a high-end magazine

I sit as the clock

Ticks slowly by

And yet

Here you still are

Am I wrong

To wait for this

End that may never come

Just because

In my head

My paranoia has played

You leaving

A thousand times?

I feel pathetic

Needing reassurance

That this is real

And permanent

And I can only blame

The past for leaving me

With little to no

Confidence

 

16th April

Every day

I fight the urge

To crawl back

Back into bed

As while the world

Sleeps

I cannot

I rush to ready

Grab my mask

And go about my work day

As if nothing ever changed

As if the planet

Is still functioning

Without people

Shut away

I did not sign up

To work a pandemic

But my job left me

Without much choice

April

 

May

5th May

Stop

Just stop

Stop making me want to

Scream

And yell

And pull my hair out

5th May

Without you

My heart breaks

Every fragment shattering

Every shatter blistering

Every blister crumbling

Every crumble exploding

The cycle continuing

Until the butterfly effect

Leaves nothing more than dust

To be melted and shaped

As my heart once more

Once you are in my grasp

5th May

Every day

I think of your kisses

The little smile

That lingers

When you lean in close

The smell of your deodorant

Clung to my skin

Marking me

As yours

And yours alone

My heart flutters

Thinking of the way

You take my hand

And hold it tight

As we lie in each other's arms

Hoping to escape the world

For one second more.

I live for our moments

And memories

Every kiss

Every taste

Every touch

You are my dream

My reality

My all.

7th May

You listen too close

And they'll taint

Your thoughts

No longer do you see

The world as it is

Or true fact

Instead of their

Propaganda

You cannot see

The flaws

In their mastermind plans

That will only work

To benefit the Sterling

Instead of man

The inevitable will come

More will perish

But it's okay

The businesses will live

Some might thrive

Whilst the impoverished suffer

From the one percent's greed

But don't worry

At least you clapped

For the NHS

Who'll continue to serve and fall

When wave two wrecks Britain

And leads to more deaths

Just because BoJo

Not a medical professional

By any means

Not even an intelligent man

An idiot who nearly died

After ignoring his own advice

Decided it was time

To end the lockdown

Early

10th May

My lips tingle

With anticipation

Desperate to linger

Firmly on yours

After the drought

Of affection

Living two separate lives

Has caused

11th May

The days I wish

The pain would end

Are the days I hope

For death

Since pills don't help

Physio aches

And the other side

Feels like a myth

But I keep

Moving forward

And hoping

Maybe one day

All this pain

Will just be gone

And I can be

Just normal again

11th May

Isolation

Seen as punishment

Not protection

Not a method

To end the spread

To keep the living

Alive

But as a way

For the government

To control

Its' people.

So many conspiracies

Lit by idiotic sparks

And engulfing the minds

Of manipulatable masses.

Just stay home

Stay safe

And stop to think.

Does sunbathing and drinking

Really matter

When thousands are dead

And dying

Just because

You're bored at home?

Is it worth giving

Your mother a hug

If it infects her

Since you could be

A host for the bugs?

11th May

I've lost days

Hours

Minutes

Isolation glues

Deceived

Time becomes oblique

In the incessant cycle

Our fragile lives

Have become

12th May

I try hard

To convince my brain

That all the pains

And aches

And feeling drained

Will be over soon

But as the days add up

I've lost hope

I'll feel normal

Again

13th May

The words I hear

On the tips of leaves

And petals

Tease my heart

14th May

I can't forget

Not for a second

How my heart races

When you graze my skin

How my breath catches

When you squeeze my hand

How my cheeks flush

When you use your words

To make me feel pretty

How my world feels

Complete

When I'm in your arms

Tight

I just hope

You can't forget it

Too

15th May

One deep harsh breath

Before the plunge

A shudder runs

From head to toe

My body already rejecting

The prospect

But I must get over it

I have to

So I must take that step

Even if a shiver of fear

Spreads throughout my core

Chilling every nerve

It can reach

I can't let this

Stop me further

I must let this paranoia go

18th May

Remind me

That you love me

Whilst my brain is

Screaming lies

I need your words

To ease the paranoia

Raging through my thoughts

I need your words

To keep me fighting

To remind me I have

A choice

I need your words

To sustain my heart

To save it from further cracking

I need your words

To help me keep

The motivation to keep

Ticking

18th May

Words are hard

Complex

Complicated

Ruthless

to the point

The wrong words spoken

Can cripple the many

Influence the mighty

And cause disaster

In their wake

And yet

We still let

White rich men speak

On diversity

Poverty

And problems they would

Never face

Thanks to their privilege

Of a milky skintone

And a shaft

Between their legs

18th May

I'm trapped in a shell

I can't escape

And all my realities

Are figments

Conjured

By my deep down need

For happiness and love

But what is happy

When I can't feel

Anything but this

Tightening pain

As the shell is crushed

With me stuck inside

18th May

Ah yes

Hello paranoia

My co-pilot

My assistant

My partner

On my journey

Of self-hatred

Fuelling the flames

That burn

Malignantly

Never allowing

A brief flicker of

Extinguishing

Until I am scorched

And scorned

Beyond recognition

When only you

Remain

19th May

Once again

I feel the fears

Eating at my insides

The anxiety pulling

At every loose thread

Of my sanity

Turning my stomach

Into utter chaos

All traces of an appetite

Gone

As the racing of my heart

And the heaviness of my chest

Weigh me down

Dragging me deep below

The surface of

Self-loathing

Drowning me in doubt

25th May

Memories fade

Corrupt

Alter

Change

Facts become false

Falses become fact

Until the memory

Is just a fragment

Of truth

Buried beneath fantasy

Because there's less pain

In the fiction

Our minds invent

To try to keep us

Sane

 

June

1st June

My heart bleeds

And I tell myself

I cannot bear this pain

Once more

The loss

Is too great

Too strong

Too much

It hurts

To think of you

Even once my heart

Starts to heal

Nothing will ever feel

Like my love for you

Again

It won't fix

The wound you left

Behind

But I don't ever

Want anything

To fill the hole

You left

30th June

The overwhelming panic

Hits

Thunders

As I struggle

Gasping for air

My chest

Constricting

Panting escaping

My icy blue lips

Once a rosy pink

All my colour

Draining until I'm translucent

I feel lightheaded

Faint

Nauseated

All the while I choke

With all of my body

Praying for the second

I'm able to breathe

 

2nd July

My heart races

As I feel your breath

Tickling my cheek

And your hands

Firmly gripping my hips

Your lips whispering

Intently, passionately

A collection of sweet nothings

Flushing my once-pale face

Bright crimson

Just out of my reach

A smirk reaching your

Enchanting eyes

Teasing me beyond belief

Since you know

I will not budge

Until you kiss me

Goodnight

July

 

©2020 by Kirstin Graham Writing. Proudly created with Wix.com